Ok, Goblinmaniacs…

In previous editions of Hardstyle we’ve discussed some simple training techniques and motivations to build a better body, in this edition of Hardstyle we’re going to discuss the disciplined diet to do it.

I was struck with the proximity to Veterans Day, and the amount of Wounded Warriors I’ve been blessed to meet at the gym. These heroes continue to get it done, allowing no physical toll to deter them from achieving the pinnacle of human health.

1. Have the eye of the Hulkster

You should be energized to do this, reaching down deep and tapping the energy of the universe, hulking up and getting it done. It’s not a fucking chore. You’re committing to looking better, feeling, better, performing better, living better and maybe enjoying your food more as well as you take an active interest in your body’s chemistry.

Have some fucking fire lardass


2. Don’t be a whiny little bitch

Dieting is haaaaard, boooo fucking hooo.

I’m a big fucking pussy, I just can’t do it. Fuck you and your fat disgusting virgin ass. Assuming you are able bodied, you are truly blessed. I know people that have lost the use of their legs and still make it to the gym, still meal plan, still have their shit and inner compass in order to get it done. No physical adversity standing in their way, if a Wounded Warrior or some poor kid born with a deformity can get it done, still have the heart to live the Hardstyle, then Lardass McStarWarsie can too. Tell you what, keep bitching now while you suck down Whoppers and Mountain Dew and when they chop off your fat grotesque legs at age 50 you can get your shit together then.

If this Wounded Warrior doesn’t motivate you then fuck off

3. Eat as if your life depends on it because guess what? It does.

Everything related to health and fitness begins and ends with diet. Unless you got royally fucked with shitty genetics, your well being is in the palm of your own hands with a proper diet.

Heart disease, cancer, diabetes, weight management, muscular development and growth, sleep, energy. All of this can be controlled through a proper diet.

Open heart surgery or a crystal ball into most lard assed geeks futures

4. If you need to stick food in your mouth for comfort, stick a dick in there instead, it’s less calories and better protein.

This shit about excessive eating or smoking cigars or chewing because you have an oral fixation or comfort food neurosis is the biggest pile of dogshit pseudoscience since global warming, or global cooling or whatever non-science Al Gore and Bill Nye (who isn’t an actual scientist) are justifying this week.

Let us borrow from a real scientist instead, a scientist of the mind, in Freud. Yes sometimes a cigar is just a cigar but, chances are you’re probably gay and you want a penis or many multiple schlongs in there. Stop the facade and embrace who you are, we love you just the same.

True meaning behind food oral fixations

5. Not everyone’s body processes calories the same, you’ll need to play with your own diet to tune it in just right.

If you intend on trying the latest diet fad on tv or trying a diet you’ve seen in the latest bodybuilding blog you’re likely to be awfully disappointed. Diet, much like exercise is not one size fits all. Everyone is different. Everyone’s body chemistry is different. If you really want to get serious about this you can find a local fitness nutritionist and he or she can personally tailor a diet for you based on your body type, medical history and personal body goals. If that isn’t an option try this as a rule of thumb and play with it as you get a little more seasoned.

– Eat 5-6 smaller meals a day. (I eat 8 meals each day but I’m 5ft 9, weigh 235 with a relatively low body fat and have a 33” waist and have 21” pythons)

You’re beloved Goblin Hero

– Begin eliminating breads and pastas. Processed, Starchy carbs are the enemy unless you are a long distance runner or professional swimmer. If you can quit cold turkey then cut them out gradually. They make you fucking fat

– Eliminate simple and processed sugars. They make you fucking fat and unless you are in diabetic shock you have no use for them. If you don’t already have diabetes they will give you diabetes over time. Put down the Mountain Dew, Darth Fatfuck. This can include too much fruit. Apples are better, grapes are pure sugar. If you are trying to lose weight and eating a lot of fruit you may as well be eating almond joys.

– Start incorporating some healthy grains. Oatmeal is fantastic. And no that doesn’t mean instant maple sugar oatmeal. We are talking real oats. It’s heart healthy, helps your body process proteins more efficiently and high in fiber to help you shit. Every morning I eat a bowl of oatmeal cooked with milk not water with a scoop of natural peanut butter, a half a banana and a double scoop of quality whey protein. It’s fucking delicious and the perfect balance of calories your body needs for fitness and muscle growth. Right now I’m also eating a lot of quinoa. High in protein, tastes awesome in a salad and cleans you out like a mother fucker. Healthy shits mean more efficient use of calories and a smaller belly.

Eat lean protein. Don’t care if it’s red meat, fish, chicken, eggs, milk or whey. Whatever you like to eat and can commit to eating, eat it. My diet has a bit of each. I have to eat at restaurants quite a bit for my business, entertaining clients. I’ve been fortunate that it works out even better for my own personal diet plan. I eat a lot of salmon salads, a lot of filet and a lot of chicken dishes. I get enough protein in my diet to make improvements in my body and repair from intense weight training. The old rule of thumb was a gram of protein per pound of (your desired) body weight. It’s not a bad starting point and over the course of five or more meals daily not too hard to attain.

In lieu of those starchy carbs or simple sugars add some healthy fats to your diet. See, the trick to losing weight is getting your body to use your own fat stores as energy. If you are feeding it cheap shitty fuel such as bread or sugar smacks it will recognize that as fuel it needs to store as fat. If you aren’t shoving shit carbs into your mouth your body will look for energy to burn and will turn to your own body fat. Simple right? A good way to trick your body into accelerating that process is introducing some healthy fats into your diet. Avocado, peanut butter, almond butter, olive oil, mct oil. All of these can be really tasty “in moderation” and help you accelerate your body’s fat burning process as you starve off the cheap carb energy.

– Eat lots of fibrous green veggies. Salads, grilled veggies, have them with every meal if possible. I grill up broccoli with some olive oil and spices on the grill or convection oven and they are fantastic. Add a little parmigiana cheese. Great perfectly healthy supplement to your protein of choice. Eat lots of salad, skip the fatty dressings most of which are loaded with sugar. I guarantee who will begin to feel better, less bloated and have more energy.

Salmon quinoa salad. Fucking delicious and easy to make. Perfect grains, perfect protein and perfect veggies all in one.

6. Get your bloodwork done

If you’re over the age of 35 or you’ve lived a life of copious debauchery, or you’re dealing with high levels of stress, or you’re too thin or you’re a big disgusting pig, or you can’t keep your cock hard, you should get your bloodwork done. You may have cholesterol issues, vitamin deficiencies or the dreaded low testosterone.

A lifetime of poor diet, drinking, drugs, lethargy will all destroy your positive biochemistry. This means low T which means limp dick, fat belly, inability to burn fat and inability to gain lean muscle and poor sex drive.

The good news is you can go to your primary care physician or a local bloodwork lab and find out where you are at and make the changes in diet, get cholesterol help or even get on Testosterone therapy “If Necessary” to lead a normal life. Even if you’ve led a healthy lifestyle, after age 35 you should get checked. Aging is a bitch. Your bloodwork is your baseline for your diet, your fitness regime, your sleep patterns, your sex drive, your life.

Need a little more help?

This guy’s videos are fantastic. Start watching them. He’s helped dial me in immensely. Jeff Cavaliere is a very bright guy who has mealplanned and trained all body types. His videos ooze positive motivation for all levels.

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