This Is Your Happening
And welcome to it.
As Americans of a certain age, we’ve witnessed maybe a few real-time Happenings in our lives, including:
- The Invasion of Iraq
- Election Night 2016
Your list of Happenings might vary but each were improbable or unthinkable events that, through the magic of television and later social media, we were all afforded a front-row seat to their horrors or delights, depending on your perspective.
This is just such a moment, but is this the Happening of Happenings?
They are saying two months of this for the US.
Both The God Emperor and Captain Leaf likely have the bug.
Experts, actual experts not TedX speakers with a big Twitter following, are saying that 40% to 70% of Americans will contract Wuhan Virus.
Everything is shutting down.
A quick list of what’s been closed, canceled or postponed as of 10:00 EST:
- Michigan schools
- Oregon schools
- Half of Washington state schools
- All Disney parks
- Tribeca Film Festival
- The NBA season
- NCAA tournament including all remaining conference tournament games
That last one is particularly hard for most of us husbands and fathers who are sixteen seeds in the Tournament Of Life.
Husbands and fathers who have worked so diligently and tirelessly for the past year in order to be afforded four days — a mere four days — where we can gather with other husbands and fathers and watch 12 straight hours of basketball per day while pounding PBRs and crushing $1 chicken wings.
This is why we show up to the school recitals, this is why we go to our wife’s cousin’s wedding in Weehawken, this is why we do the hundreds or thousands of unpleasant tasks and obligations that we are forced to perform every year — for 48 hours of freedom.
A freedom that was stolen from us. And we’re not happy about it.
That’s just the list of cancellations as of Stage One of this Happening.
The list of The Canceled will only grow thicker and thicker until all of reality is gone.
Fantasy Is Canceled, Too
Dozens of major TV shows and movie shoots have ceased production, including Falcon & Winter Soldier and Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings.
Big time studio releases like Bond 25, which we initially believed was moved for re-shooting purposes, Fast & Furious 9 and Mulan have been delayed.
By this time Monday, we can expect Black Widow to have been moved.
It remains to be seen whether movie theaters will be shuttered but we can imagine it will only be a matter of time.
Movies, in the traditional sense of going to the movies, will likely enter a death spiral.
2019 was the first year that digital download revenue surpassed theater box office and with what looks like several months’ worth of releases being canceled, a lot of casual theatergoers may drop off.
What You Can Expect
Here are things that may affect the Film Goblin mission:
- Genre news might be dead for a while: Hollywood is gone. Most of the deals are done in social settings like lunches or parties and those are out. Announcements will be held back for fear of getting lost in the fear porn cycle. Trailers can’t be dropped for theatrical movies that could be delayed for a year.
- New releases pumped into the stream: Streaming and digital will start bombarding us with new trailers for shows they rush to release. Hell, they might just drop them on us with no trailers.
- Decline the gibs: Just like WebEx and Loom are giving free full-access accounts in order to avoid face-to-face meetings, some streaming services could start giving out free accounts to keep people at home. Don’t fall for it. Learn to code instead.
- Movie theaters will be shut down.
What You Can Expect From Us
- No more “XYZ Is Canceled” articles: It was novel the first two times. Now it’s expected. When movie theaters get shut down, we will talk about that.
- More content: Or at least greater overall content length. Most of our core team members are locked out of the office or can make their own hours.
- More original content: If there is no news and no trailers, then more Big Braining, more ranting, more reviews.
- Housecleaning and site improvements: Providing this Happening gets worse and we go into full lockdown, I will have more time to play with the web site.
What Can I Do, Mr. Trollprince, Sir?
Hold your children and weep, ******.
Truthfully, there isn’t much you can do.
Maybe watch some post-apocalyptic movies? Or some John McTernan movies to learn how to be a man of action? And some David Mamet films to learn how to sound cool while being that man of action?
Read this account of what happens when Shit Hit The Fan in Bosnia and what you can expect if this turns out to be a situation like that, which is incredibly unlikely.
Money soon became worthless. We returned to an exchange. For a tin can of tushonka (think Soviet spam), you could have a woman.
Prepare For Lockdown
If another country in Europe goes to lockdown, you are going to lockdown too, but remember this — Italy is a cucked nation, so it’s an anomaly.
The Boot is a loose confederation of formerly great city-states that has degenerated into a land of 40-year-old, work-shy mama-boys who steal their mother’s welfare payments to buy another pair of jeans to use to seduce catlady tourists.
They have a negative replacement birthrate.
The place is full of old people and lazy people, so the death rate is sky-high.
While the United States is full of young, hardworking Mexicans.
So, I think we’re going to be fine.
If you do go to lockdown, fight the urge to start watching trash entertainment out of boredom. Pound some weights, read a book or — again — learn something new that will make you money or at least give you some happiness.
But make no mistake and let me be clear, I don’t care how much of a katana-wielding, science-beard you are, you better start believing in Biblical prophecy because, brother, you are in one.