I thought we’d take a break from the monotony of discussing what an awful, steaming, pile, the new Star Trek series is so you can learn something.
And, of course, many may wish to turn over a new leaf for the cliched New Year’s resolutions that they have already broken.
Recently, there was a fantastic article here in Goblindom regarding the The Batman film being held up due to the new Batman not “responding” to training.
In a nutshell, he’s a beanpole and his trainers aren’t having any luck putting weight on him so he can authentically portray a proper superhero physique.
Have you ever wondered how Hollywood stars can go from beanpole to beast in a matter of months when many strength training athletes take years to hone their physiques into chiseled marvels?
Do these actors have some sort of hidden Ubermensch genetics?
These guys who you probably saw hanging out in the theater department in high school wearing Culture Club shirts?
Could it be that their late-night James Joyce reading groups somehow stimulated their pituitary glands to give them the yoked bodies to put football jocks to shame?
They may look this way now but these guys will someday have special “Hollywood trainers” who will be able to naturally build them into MCU superheroes. Of course, naturally.
Is it possible that between recitals of A Midsummer’s Night Dream that these pinnacle human marvels were discussing high protein diets and power building?
You get the point.
Do they all have chemical assistance (allegedly) despite the ridiculous denials by the actors themselves and their Hollywood media spin machines?
Yes, they do.
Should they be ridiculed for doing so?
No, definitely not.
But, let’s be honest, the ludicrous insistence that they’re transformations are the result of extreme diet and miracle worker Hollywood personal trainers is rather insulting.
I have a much greater level of respect for those that freely admit they are receiving help.
Stallone, in particular, has always been rather honest about his use of anti-aging Growth Hormones. Yes, there is that but there is literally no one in Hollywood that diets and trains as hard as Sly.
He looks like a million bucks well into his 70s, medical assistance or not.
Here’s The Truth
Women take hormones as they age to replace those that their bodies no longer produce or produce at an unhealthy diminished capacity.
There is no stigma associated with this.
It’s proven to help their overall well being, their muscle tone, fat burning capacity, energy as well as improving their sexual appetite and improving the health of their lady parts to the point of rejuvenating their poon tissues and self-lubrication.
This is obviously all amazing wonderful stuff but if you replace the female with male and testosterone and/or Growth Hormone therapy it’s regarded as cheating or some sort of taboo, criminal behavior.
Male testosterone production decreases as you age in the very same manner and often earlier than women’s bodies do.
Low testosterone can lead to premature aging, heart disease, prostate cancer, limp dick, loss of the ability to burn body fat, loss on energy, etc, etc, etc.
So why is there a stigma with the use of these drugs in men? It’s fucking stupid.
Every male over the age of 35 should get his testosterone levels checked. Maybe even younger.
I implore you to get yours checked.
And besides, do we honestly want our movie superheroes to look like actual superheroes or do we want guys in ridiculous padded muscle suits?
And therein lies the rub, these actors see this as a sort of makeup in preparation for a role, the same as gaining a ton of weight to play a fatass or wearing a toupee to cover their thinning hair.
I just wish they were a little more honest about it.
No, most Hollywood actors don’t have the genetics of a Greek titan, nor do many of them train like Stallone, The Rock or The Hulkster.
Do You Know How I Know?
I partake under a doctor’s supervision.
I train like an animal, I am as strict as I can be with my diet while living an executive businessman’s lifestyle.
What I mean by that is there are days when I’m on the road and I can’t meal plan all day long and have to take clients out for lunches and dinners.
I am blessed that I generally only stay in luxury hotels that more often than not have pretty good fitness facilities, some even have full-scale gyms. But if I can’t get to a gym I’ll do push-ups and lunges and sit-ups and I’ll do curls with a tension band.
No fucking excuses.
I take this very seriously and I look like a movie superhero.
It also helps that thanks to my German-Central Italian genetics, I am blessed with some phenomenal muscle-building genes.
There are also those in Hollywood with rather terrific genes like The Rock, Evans and Stallone whose bodies were impressive before introducing chemical assistance.
So let’s discuss how this all works, they’re all equally important so this is in no particular order:
1. Identify Your General Body Type
2. Get A Medical Checkup With Blood Work
Forget considering chemical performance enhancement if you aren’t going to get your blood work done.
This isn’t a dissertation on drug abuse.
If you don’t want to understand your own genetics and body chemistry then you have no business considering this life change.
It’s more than getting a script for testosterone. Equally important are your lipids, vitamin levels, and estrogen levels.
It’s about making positive course corrections for your health.
3. Put a Meal Plan Together
Your goal here obviously is to grow muscle and burn fat but a parallel goal is to make a plan you can stick with — don’t bite off more than you can chew.
As a rule of thumb, if you have a naturally athletic body with a relatively flat stomach you can probably handle more carbs in your diet like healthy grains like oatmeal, Ezekiel bread, etc, and more healthy fats like coconut oil, avocado, peanut butter, etc. Your diet should be about 50% protein, 25% good carbs, 25% healthy fats.
If you are a bony beanpole like a Robert Pattinson you will need to eat massive amounts of a similar diet above.
If you are a chunk you don’t need a lot of carbs since carbs provide the energy your lardass and love handles are already full of fuel you have to burn. Think of it as adding more gas to a full gas tank. You will need to trick your body into burning that stored energy and the way to do that is with healthy fats. Your diet will be 75% lean protein and 25% healthy fats.
Other than perhaps small and I mean small amounts of healthy grains for fiber, no carbs for you, tubby. At least, not until you get a handle on correcting your fucked up metabolism/body chemistry.
And don’t despair, you may be a fatass but as easily as your body can get fatter, you also have an easier time putting on muscle mass.
With all the diets above you will need to EAT. Eating small for any body type doesn’t cut it. Eat every few hours, eat in the middle of your workout. We’ll discuss intermittent fasting And keto another day. For now simple and stick to it.
Before you insert your tampon and start bitching, meal planning doesn’t have to be a total downer.
You can eat some really good shit.
If you like kabobs, steak or Armenian/Arab/Greek food, it’s your lucky day.
The key here is to stimulate muscle growth.
There is nothing more effective than heavy iron but I can tell you that down the line your joints will pay the price, especially as you age, no matter how strict your form may be.
I used to be able to do strict curls with 80-pound dumbbells in my mid-20s when I was natural. Now I’m old and I know better.
I find that a mixture of heavyweights, medium to lightweight high rep supersets and evening some good old fashioned calisthenics thrown in have for me been fantastically effective, very joint-friendly and have even helped with fat burning.
If you’re not physically spent by the end of your workout then you aren’t doing shit, may as well stay at home and beat off.
The Secret Sauce
Sorry to break it to you but if you have aspirations of looking like beast mode Wolverine Jackman ferociously leaping from an adamantium bath, you — like all those bullshitting Hollywood stars — will need to consider chemical assistance. Especially if, as we’ve discussed, you’re over 30.
The stars, for the most part, all are doing it whether they admit it or not, men and women. And so will you.
The good thing is if you’re consistent with your diet and training and discipline you won’t need a lot and you won’t need anymore or less than your body chemistry needs.
If you have decent insurance the scripts will be dirt cheap. Testosterone is about $10.00 a month through even a mediocre insurance company with a prescription.
I nor the team at Film Goblin in no way endorse the consumption of performance-enhancing drugs. Nor are we instructing any of our readers to take hormone replacement.
This is a sensitive personal life choice for you that you should make with a doctor well-versed in hormone replacement therapy and men’s fitness health.
If you go the illegal steroid supply route you’re a dipshit who deserves what you get. Fact is every town has good doctors who specialize in this and now even online consultations and you can get prescriptions for real, legal PEDs.
With that said, here are the men’s health drugs your doctor will likely be discussing with you.
This is the granddaddy and what literally puts the super into Superman. This is also not technically a steroid but rather a male hormone replacement. We can thank the Germans for inventing synthetic testosterone in 1935.
Yes, people have been juicing since 1935.
As we discussed earlier, your body will make less of this naturally as you grow older. In 10 years I wouldn’t be surprised if TRT (Testosterone Replacement Therapy) becomes the norm for most men in their mid-thirties and up.
If you follow the diet and training protocols we touched on above, you will gain significant lean muscle (anywhere between 10-40 pounds depending on dose and body type).
Your dick will be hard as a brick and you will be horny as a pornstar.
Yes, it works, there’s a reason TRT therapy has become a billion-dollar business.
You will be strong as an ox. You will likely sleep better. You will likely be more focused. You will recover faster from training. You will burn fat at a remarkable rate and your endurance will be like a teenager from the 1980s (not the lazy pussy Millennial versions).
Testosterone therapy is also quite safe when taken in proper dosage under a doctor’s supervision. As an FYI, a lot of the Hollywood action stars and athletes are taking far more than a TRT dose. In many instances, they cycle it which is why you see a lot of them looking like Thor in one film and then looking like the skinny Ghostbusters reboot receptionist in their next film.
Where did that 25 pounds of muscle go in such a short span of time? No, they didn’t stop working out, nor did they decide to become bulimic.
The muscle went away because they were taking testosterone and or other drugs in doses well above and beyond a healthy TRT dose and didn’t do a proper Post Cycle Therapy or PCT. We will discuss more on this below.
Just about all the Hollywood superhero actors take testosterone (allegedly). Most are incorporating other drugs as well, but testosterone is the core. Most NFL players, NBA players, pro wrestlers — well all pro wrestlers — many golfers and almost all the female tennis stars are taking testosterone.
On the downside, testosterone therapy can accelerate male pattern baldness if you are already genetically predisposed to it. From my standpoint, it has never been a problem for me. My grandfather had a thick head of black hair into his 80s but I use Rogaine foam just in case.
Bottom line, if you’re a baldy “test” may accelerate it but it’s going away anyway. Or buy Rogaine, shit works.
Excessive testosterone use can also lead to your body producing extra estrogen as a natural way of evening out your body chemistry.
All men need estrogen.
It’s tied to your sex drive. However excessive estrogen can mean bitch tits like the Rock sported when he wrestled as well as water retention. That’s the bloated look which isn’t attractive.
Anastrozole can control that, which we will also discuss below.
This is a medication you will likely be prescribed to control estrogen production.
As noted above taking synthetic testosterone can lead to excess estrogen production especially if you’re overdoing it. Very small doses of this drug will prevent that and also make your testosterone work more effectively.
This medication will also get rid of bloating thus potentially making you look leaner.
Consult with your doctor. You may not need this if you’re on a TRT dose.
Anavar aka Oxandrolone
It’s doubtful you physician will prescribe this for you but if they do you won the Hollywood superhero body lottery.
This drug taken in conjunction with testosterone will get you shredded like Thor it also produces astounding strength gains above and beyond the iconic strength gains of testosterone.
You will have to take testosterone with this drug as it can diminish your natural testosterone production. Anavar is known to improve the skin, it’s actually used for burn victims to accelerate the healing process and cancer and AIDS patients to prevent muscle wasting.
It can elevate cholesterol but it does not damage the liver. It’s as safe as a drug can be when taken under a doctor’s care.
As an FYI, fitness models take this in very low doses to produce that feminine, 6-pack beach-bod look.
This drug, in conjunction with the two above and a rigid diet and training regimen, is the secret formula that actors use to put the finishing touches on superhero bodies, especially the shredded ones.
Some take additional drugs but these three and discipline are all you really need unless you have horseshit genetics like the new Batman.
Human Growth Hormone
If you’ve seen the ads in magazines with the old man who looks like a retired commodities broker from Queens with the body of the Ultimate Warrior, you’ve seen one of the many GH clinic ads targeted at the flush with cash retiree population as a fountain of youth.
I’ve never taken this.
It’s terrifically expensive and unless you are an actual dwarf, chances are insurance won’t cover it any of the costs.
It also carries many potential risks that, for me, makes it lose its allure.
I have bone spurs in my shoulder. They hurt like a mother fucker and my range of motion isn’t what it used to be. Growth Hormone accelerates bone growth so the prospect of making my bone spurs bigger isn’t smart.
Remember Barry Bonds’ giant growing head?
There is also the theory that because it enhances the growth of all cells that it could enhance the growth of cancer cells. You also must commit to GH for the long term, So there you go.
A lot of the stars and professional athletes are doing this. It is proven to melt fat, tighten and rejuvenate the skin, grow muscle and even improve hand-eye coordination.
The breakfast of champions for most of the NBA’s biggest names. Fountain of youth in a bottle at a large price tag for the glitterati. Not for me but to each his own.
PCT or Post Cycle Therapy
If you are doing more than a doctor-recommended TRT dose and or adding additional performance-enhancing drugs to get more shredded, like many of the Hollywood stars and athletes do, you will most certainly need a well-thought-out Post Cycle Therapy to get your body’s own ability to manufacture testosterone going again.
This will also allow you to keep many of your gains while on your cycle.
Remember TRT is replacing your body’s deficiency in producing adequate testosterone and — with zero hyperbole — turning on the time machine through medical pharmacology.
Going above that level and adding other aromatizing drugs will severely diminish or completely shut off your body’s ability to make its own Test.
Talk to your doctor and don’t be stupid. Remember if your doctor won’t help you there’s plenty that will and some will consult online.
So there you have it, a decidedly different kind of Inside Hollywood piece to be sure.
On a personal note, I could care less if Robert Pattinson makes a skinny Batman. He gets a lifetime pass from his performance in The Lighthouse.
It may be my favorite film of 2019, both he and Willem Dafoe were mesmerizing. Some guys aren’t cut out to look like living Michelangelo statues and that’s OK.
But if you were wondering how they do it and how you can do so smartly if you so chose to make the lifestyle choice, now you know and that’s precisely the type of information you get right here at Film Goblin — Hardstyle™.