I’m Not Sure Which Is The Bigger News

  1. Danny Boyle quitting over “creative differences”?
  2. Idris Elba confirming that he will not play Bond?

I’m going with Elba bowing out. There was so much anticipation that Stringer Bell would slip on the tux to become the first Bond with a beard.

The Man With The Golden Groomer

Personally, I have zero problems with a guy with a beard playing Bond.

First, “James Bond” is a code name for MI6’s best operative. Right? Or how do you explain Bond being played by so many different actors over so many decades?

Second, Her Majesty needs an agent who can easily infiltrate enemy organizations and territories. In the past, when Russia was our #1 global adversary, having a clean-shaven Bond made a lot of sense.

But who are our enemies today?

You got it. Fucking Beardos.

Third — HELLO — look at your calendar app! What year is it again?

This prejudice against people with facial hair, whether scruffy or groomed, must end.

And don’t you dare say that Idris is one of those people who “wears it well”, because that is really, really beardist.

So, Who Should Play Bond?

Since we’ve already taken the first steps toward accepting a Bic-less Bond, by endlessly tweeting about it, the next logical move is casting an actor who can actually put a few whiskers on their Chevy Chase.

Keeping 007 clean-shaven wouldn’t just be a giant cultural leap backward, it would be pure bigotry based on purely on hatred of hair.

In my mind, there are only four realistic choices:

And Who Should Direct Bond 25?

David Mamet, of course.

Insisting on the move. HardStyle.