We here at Goblin get caught up in franchises and dork stuff and thus tend to miss some of the bigger entertainment news each week.

This is the first in what hopefully will be a round-up of the Hollywood headlines we failed to cover in the last week. 

Without further ado, let’s burn the house down. International style.

Based French Arab Director Offends Pedos

Abdellatif Kechiche, the director behind the celebrated scissor-fest Blue Is The Warmest Color, is the latest enfante terrible to kick in chairs and knock down tables at the French child sex slave auction known as Canne.

Shockingly, the guy who brought us two minute takes of very young women kissing each other is an incredible perv who has made “Twerking: The Movie.”

This triggered some Verified Humans™:

Only in fallen WieMerica can close-ups of female ass cause a man to have a breakdown.

As the lights came up in the premiere screening, Kechiche grabbed a microphone and said, “I apologize for having kept you (in this nightclub) and now I’m off.”

Where was he running off to?

Did I mention the movie has a 13-minute pussy-eating scene?

780 seconds. Africans… doing the jobs French men won’t do.

Here is the trailer for his previous dumb movie about invaders stealing our French women:

More Cannes coverage from your friends at Film Goblin »

Based Anti-Semite Tosses Dwarf Onto Big Screen

Former leading man and current Film Goblin quasi-diety, Mel “Mad King” Gibson, is apparently really, actually, forreal making the huge mistake of remaking The Wild Bunch.

And he is casting three guys who have always looked uncomfortable with a gun.

If anyone can get in touch with Mel Gibson, buy him a bottle of bourbon, order him a couple of Russian party girls, get him talking about wooden doors and the “numbers game”, club him like an Eastern Front commissar… you must do something. Quickly.

Humanity is depending on you.

Based Aussie Shitposter Kills The Wrong Dog

Taika Waititi, the only director in Hollywood with a wine-aunt’s sense of humor, is apparently, really, actually remaking Akira.

The live-action movie is being produced by Leonardo DiCaprio’s Appian Way (great name, Leo) and will debut in theaters on May 21st, 2021.

A couple of things:

  1. No one cares about this movie or this IP. Except people like us, in places like this.
  2. There is no way they put the kind of money behind this production that it needs to be truly realized. 
  3. Leo would make a decent Kanada or Tetsuo. But it can never be allowed.

  4. May 21st, 2021 is the same day that John Wick 4 drops bodies.

Some videos about how incredible Akira really is » 

Based Commoner Looks To Defranchise James Bond

Knight Of The Realm and greatest living director, Christopher Nolan, has a title for his next film — Tenet.

Garbage-chute publications are falling all over themselves to cut-and-paste the definition of the word “tenet” into speculative articles with titles like ‘Everything You Need To Know About Christopher Nolan’s Next Movie!”

The only thing we really know about the movie is that it is being filmed at seven locations around the globe and it might have something to do with espionage. 

Hey, dumbfucks… what is the first thing that comes to your mind when you put together the word “tenet” and the spy game?

If Nolan makes this movie I will convert to Islam. And really mean it this time…

Finally… let’s not forget that movies and shit are not the only going on in this world…

Based Wildlings Prove That Scots Can Count To Three

Film Goblin’s favorite football club — Celtic — did something quite remarkable by winning yet another Scottish Premier League title, that’s 8 in a row now! They call this one the treble treble! 

It’s some really good soccer…

And even has dark underbelly… but I don’t think all of those guys are Scottish…

Can someone deploy a probe droid to find out what the hell is going on north of The Wall?

That’s It For This Week, Goblins

All allegiance to our Lady of Darkness. Praise Her. 

Trollprince The White

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