Hola, Iggy Here!

Well, the 2018 Oscars have come and gone. So the full pageantry and magic of Hollywood was on display last night, and I fell asleep before it even started. But I’ve caught up on YouTube now, so let’s get going!

The Lowest-Rated Oscars Ever

While I can’t guess why this would be the case generally, I know why it was the case for me. Preparing for an exciting night of Oscar watching and note-taking, I ordered my Uber-takeout of 3 buckets of KFC with the necessary accoutrements of several pounds of mashed potatoes, a few gallons of gravy, and a bushel of coleslaw.

Also a dozen chicken tacos from Guillermo Del Taco to go with my chicken-themed night, and as a shout-out to my very good friend Guillermo del Toro, who was nominated for Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Original Screenplay! And 10 other categories! Way to go, good personal friend Guillermo del Toro!

Kentucky Fried Chicken Oscars
I got 3 buckets of KFC to snack on for the Oscars, but delicious original-recipe chicken and a dozen shots of tequila just don’t mix!

Also, I had a good quarter of the bottle of Patron X that good friend Guillermo del Toro gave me a few years back, and I thought this was as good a time as any to break it out.

After all, Guillermo had a very good chance of winning the Best Picture Oscar this year for The Shape of Water, which I was very excited about. It’s a movie about a beautiful woman who falls in love with a grotesque man-creature, and then they make sweet love together. Talk about a movie in my wheelhouse! Wow!

The Shape of Water
A beautiful woman makes love to a grotesque sea creature that is actually very nice but just misunderstood in The Shape of Water. What a great story!

KFC and Tequila is Like an Orgasm In Your Mouth!

But anyway, I took a few tentative bites of that original-recipe chicken from the first bucket, and then a sip of that Patron X tequila. Why had I never discovered this gustatory orgasm before? It was incredible!

So I sucked the meat off a drumstick, and then took another shot of tequila. Better than the first time! So then I had to throw in some mashed potatoes, and by that time I was taking shots of Colonel Sanders’s delicious gravy with the tequila . . . and soon, two-and-a-half buckets of chicken and all of the Patron X were gone. And several chicken tacos. After that, the red carpet turned into a red blur!

And then I woke up 13 hours later in a pool of gravy, potatoes and coleslaw, with chicken bones all around me. I can’t tell you how many times that’s happened to me! But this was the first time it had happened to me at Oscar time!

Spoilers! Guillermo del Toro Wins!

Guillermo del Toro
My good personal friend Guillermo del Toro pretending he didn’t want to give me this working prop gun from Hellboy! He finally said he’d give it to me if I promised to leave him alone and stop stalking him—so funny! What a kidder!

So I was a little late to the after-party, so to speak. But I did get there thanks to YouTube and other sites covering the Oscars. And I can’t tell you how delighted I was to learn that my good friend Guillermo del Toro had won the Best Picture Oscar! I immediately sent him a congratulatory Tweet, although I’m afraid he may have accidentally blocked me. Of course, I also sent him an email, but I think all my emails to him may be going into his spam folder, as I haven’t gotten a reply in quite a while.

Well, if you’re reading this Guillermo, go check your spam filter! Also, I could really use another bottle of that delicious tequila, as I’m afraid I’m all out!

Guillermo Del Toro Tequila
Send me more tequilla Guillermo! Kidding-not-kidding! No, seriously, I really need some more and I can’t get my parents to spend $400 on a bottle of tequila. I need your help, man!

Anyway, on to my in-depth Oscar coverage!

Women Were Still Second-Class Citizens At This Year’s Oscars

First, of course, Jimmy Kimmel did an incredible job of hosting the Oscars once again! He was hilarious, from what I could find on YouTube, but also sensitive and caring about justice. Good for him! He’s really grown since The Man Show.

Showing this sensitivity, he had Ashley Judd, Salma Hayek, and Annabella Sciorra—women who were all victims of Harvey Weinstein’s casting-shower antics—present a movie about the #MeToo movement. I had a small tear in my eye while I watched a snippet of it on NBC.com this morning.

Men Win the Awards While The Women Watch
The women presented while the men won the Oscars. How typical! Come on, Hollywood! You can do better!

However, I’m sad to say neither Greta Gerwig, only the fifth female director ever to be even nominated for an Oscar, nor Rachel Morrison, the first woman EVER to get an Oscar nod for cinematography, won an award. We’ve still got a LOOOONG way to go, people!

Best actor went to Gary Oldman, for getting old and fat in Darkest Hour. I still remember when Gary Oldman came to our house to give us a special screening of The Professional. What a talented guy, he really deserved it!

Best actress went to Frances McDormand, who was great in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, a documentary about how the South is still full of racists and the police can shoot black people with impunity! Good for them exposing those racists down there! Also, Frances McDormand was so good in Fargo. I love that movie!

Of course, Guillermo del Toro, my good friend and colleague, won for Best Director. Totally deserved.

African-Americans Finally Acknowledged With Awards at #Oscars

Jimmy Kimmel fondling women
Jimmy Kimmel has grown past his Man Show roots, and no longer constantly exploits women at every opportunity. So I totally forgive him, and you should, too. And you should also forgive anybody else who has grown and gone to rehab and gotten better. Because that’s what it’s all about. Forgiveness.

As I’ve already touched on, Roger Deakins, a white man, stole the Best Cinematography award from Rachel Morrison. Don’t get me wrong, Blade Runner 2049 had GREAT cinematography. But is that really what matters most when a woman has NEVER won the award, and it’s 2018? I don’t think so! It’s sad that we still have so far to go!

Best Original Screenplay went to Jordan Peele for Get Out! Finally, the Academy has realized that black people really exist and make GREAT MOVIES! Really, this is a moment for celebration, even as we all acknowledge that we still have a long, long way to go.

Best Adapted Screenplay went to James Ivory for the excellent story of how emotionally-healthy it is for older men to sleep with teenage boys, Call Me By Your Name. Well-deserved! I don’t know about you, but I’ll never eat a peach the same way again after seeing that movie!

Best Original Score went to Alexandre Desplat for The Shape of Water. It was a good score, but really, there weren’t ANY women who scored a movie recently?

You’d Think Only White Men Deserve Awards in Hollywood!

Jimmy Kimmel staring at a woman's butt
Despite Jimmy Kimmel’s profound personal respect for and appreciation of women, the Oscars still haven’t gotten the message! Women deserve awards, too!

I’m afraid that despite Jimmy Kimmel hosting, it doesn’t get any better. The Academy Award for Visual Effects went to John Nelson, Gerd Nefzer, Paul Lambert and Richard R. Hoover—all men!—for Blade Runner 2049.

Best Animated Feature was Coco—a film about a male boy! But at least he was Mexican, so it’s not entirely a bad thing.

Best Film Editing went to Lee Smith for Dunkirk, a movie about war that was full of men. And Lee Smith is a man, too. I really don’t think Hollywood has learned its lesson yet. I really don’t.

On the bright side, the Best Foreign Language Film was A Fantastic Woman. Finally a movie, other than The Shape of Water, that really deserved a win! Because it was about a woman. And that’s fantastic!

You can find the other Oscar winners elsewhere, I’m sure. You can read more about the nominations from Low Dog and his 2018 Double Super-Secret Oscar Ballot! But as for me, I’ve still got half a bucket of KFC to get to, and seven cold chicken tacos left. So . . . eat ’em if you’ve got ’em! I sure am going to!

I’ve still got some cold chicken tacos to eat, and I’ve got priorities. Man, are these things good. I wish I had more tequila.

Later, Peeps!

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Ignatius Roeper lives with this parents in Akron, Ohio (but not in the basement!). His father owns Akron's premier curio and antique shop, Bongs and Hashpipes, while his mother works as a cocktail executive at the exclusive Club Platinum. Having taught himself to read with his father's collection of Richie Rich, Hot Stuff, and Little Lotta comic books by the age of two, his parents recognized his precociousness and soon introduced him to the many pleasures of R-rated cinema, knowing that even at such a tender age, he was mature enough to appreciate such adult entertainment. By the age of 12, he had amassed a collection of thousands of films for his Sony Betamax, and had a collection of over 10,000 comic books, many of them not Richie Rich or Little Lotta! As well, his collection of toys, action figures, maquettes, movie posters, and memorabilia had expanded so massively that they threatened to overwhelm their cozy home. According to Mr. Roeper's self-published autobiography, Iggy Knows It All, his matchless knowledge of all things film and entertainment quickly garnered him a reputation, and he often found himself being visited, and even consulted on script and movies, by numerous Hollywood professionals, who gave him the well-deserved title: King Geek. He flatly denies that the name was in fact given to him by his fellow students at Jennings Middle School as they punched him in the head and threw him in the dumpster after he'd brought his entire collection of Sailor Moon figurines to school as part of a "multimedia" report on the country of Japan. While he admits things have been a little difficult for King Geek since he lost his job at the Chapel Hill Mall Blockbuster video in 2002, he's finally found a home at FilmGoblin, and looks forward to once again telling aspiring geeks, and his loyal fans, what to think and how to feel about the movies and TV shows that bring us all together. And he totally does not live in the basement. He has both a room and an office on the 3rd floor of his parents' house. Take that, haters!