Let He Who Is Without Cena…

Duke Nukem John Cena Wrestler

Just in time for Easter. ScreenRant reports that Wrestler-cum-actor John Cena has been cast as the titular hero of Duke Nukem. It’s a timeless story. What better example of the faithful (suits) holding out hope for a (financial) savior than Hollywood’s quest for a mega-hit video game adaptation?

Full disclosure, I never played a Duke Nukem game. Back when this franchise was released, I was knee-deep in the Ultima games.

What Would DUKE NUKEM Do?

Duke Nukem Move John Cena
He’ll save every one of us

The first Duke Nukem released on PCs back in 1991, and its sequel was in 1993. Duke Nukem 3D  released in 1996, making the transition from side-scroller to first-person shooter. Over the course of the first three games, the character evolved from a milquetoast, soap opera-watching couch potato to the uber-macho, women-swilling super action hero known today.

I won’t go into the series’ story, as it comes down to variations of shooting aliens and blowing shit up real good, which is all it needs to be.

The franchise’s fourth instalment, Duke Nukem Forever, was announced in 1996. However, it wouldn’t see the light of day until 2011, fifteen years later. When it was released, it was met with very poor reviews and no little hate from critics and fans alike (check out this original review from Gamespot here). Most of the hate could be attributed to horrible design. Some found the protagonist’s over-the-top misanthropy unacceptable, regardless of whether is was actual characterization or self-mockery.

Which begs the question, why this movie now? To which the suits in Hollywood answer, “Why not?”

We’ve Cena All Before

Duke Nuken John Cena Steven Segal
Wait. This isn’t the Steven Frederic Seagal article?

Hollywood’s relationship with video games is one of consistently, unrealistic expectations and poorly executed product. While a very few (2016’s Warcraft) managed to find some level of financial success (overseas), none have succeeded as bona-fide hits, much less blockbusters. Yet, hope springs eternal, and despite this series being twenty-five years old and the last installment released to horrible reviews, this little passion project is moving forward. 

No script? No problem. No Screenwriter? Screw it. Business as usual for Hollywood. And business is goo… oh, right.

 

duke nukem movie wrestler peeps
What I think of this idea

Oh Me Of Little Faith

Ok, look, I know… I KNOW… I shouldn’t be surprised. This is exactly what the Hollywood machine does. Maybe it’s the holiday with the 24″ Easter baskets stuffed with plastic eggs, the hollow chocolate rabbits, and flocks of peeps staring out at me through the cellophane as I stroll the aisles of the grocery store.

Rabbits with dead eyes.

Candy eyes.

Maybe I’d feel less apathetic about this if they worked in a Tomb Raider crossover, or if I wasn’t already completely burnt on the idea of video game properties transmigrating to movies.

Duke Nukem Movie John Cena Video Game
This guy gets it

So, DUKE NUKEM and John Cena is a match made in Heaven… apparently.

Maybe we’ll get lucky and Duke Nukem the movie will as take long (15 years) to reach screens as Duke Nukem Forever did consoles. Of course, people have waited longer for their heroes.

Thanks for reading. Happy Easter.

Rise up.