WARNING: VAST SPOILERS BELOW!

Vanity Fair dropped an article yesterday that reveals a lot about the new Star Wars movie, and — according to the publication — the final Star Wars movie!

Hope?

We have to acknowledge that their logline, “After four decades, Star Wars is drawing to its epic conclusion” is just a sad attempt to generate false enthusiasm in a general audience that was deeply revoluted by The Last Jedi and completely indifferent to Solo.

Something about the scarcity principle, right?

Guiz, this is it! Last chance! The Last Star Wars movie ever! To the Fandango!!!

The article has some interesting history about Star Wars, a lot of which we’ve all heard before and some that we haven’t, including this quote from George Lucas about why he made the first Star Wars movie:

 “I realized after THX that people don’t care about how the country’s being ruined. We’ve got to regenerate optimism.”

Where is Mr. Speed Racer Mom when we really need him? Jesus Christ, he needs a good producer but he understands what Star Wars is at its core, even if he doesn’t understand each and every meme that was generated from his creation.

Apparently, he’s got some actual writing credits on The Mandalorian, so maybe he has been waiting for Lucasfilm’s failure to be complete before he steps in. 

Head over to archive.is and read the article without giving any clicks to the shill media. Or continue reading for a full summary of how this final Star Wars movie is shaping up…

So, In Summary…

Here are the spoilers from the article:

  • Knights Of Ren are in
  • Another desert planet called Phuket where a race called the WhoCares live
  • J.J. Abrams is an unrepentant racist
  • Kylo Ren is going to fight someone who is not Rey
  • Luke will appear in some form or another
  • Carrie Fisher’s daughter is in
  • There’s a tiny one-wheeled droid called D-O
  • And a banana-slug alien named Klaud
  • Keri Russell plays some kind of “scoundrel” that hangs out in the Thieves’ Quarters Of King’s Landing
  • “Finn is single and willing to mingle!” 

Here are some Annie Leibowitz photos, some from the set and some that are clearly photoshopped jank-jobs meant to misdirect the fanboys:

You Knights could have been anything and you chose Beyond Thunderdome…
A space pilot lady… Keri Russell as the masked scoundrel Zorri Bliss, seen in the Thieves’ Quarter of the snow-dusted world Kijimi. Wew, that is a lot of lore in one caption.
I’m sure these guys are going to be really serious. Richard E. Grant plays Allegiant General Pryde. “Pride”. WTF.
Back on Taatoine! And no red arm!
Or maybe it’s the new desert planet called Pasaana?
J.J. Abrams turns the Ewoks into black people… shameful shit.
Rey and Kylo fight in Photoshop!

Film Goblin intelligence units are reporting that this photograph is a fake — Kylo is obviously fighting another opponent — as Daisy Ridley’s feet are not causing any splash.

Could Kylo be fighting… The Emperor

Or, could it be… 

I guess this could be a flashback, right?

Perhaps the best way to close is to quote directly from the writer of the article::

It wasn’t all over when the Ewoks sang. Obi-Wan Kenobi and all those Bothans had died in vain. Even Han and Leia split up. It’s all a little less of a fairy tale now.

To which I say, “Fuck off.”

So say we all. 

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