Well, after a completely grabasstic production that saw directors fired and endless reshoots came the bumbling promotional rollout that gave us hacked movie posters, the “Guns/No Guns” debacle and cringe-inducing articles from the Disney shill media.

But now Solo: A Star Wars Story is here and people are watching it. Well not people, not the little people like us; the special people, the trendsetters, the blue-checks, the shills, the replicants.

If you think about it, it’s truly a brilliant marketing concept. Get a bunch of industry insiders together who rely on the success of your product for their livelihood, show them your product and then unleash them fawn over it on social media.

Since I couldn’t find any Disney employees who were reacting (where is that backstabbing traitor Finn?) let see what the shill-synth 1.0s have to say:

The Shills

What in the blue Kyber crystals?

“Was really hoping for higher stakes, more energy and depth.”

From Collider? Something is off here, something is terribly, terribly wrong.

Let’s find someone else from over there:

Dude, you might not have a job on Monday. Delete this now.

OK, ok… we can find someone over there. What about the head shill?

Ahhh, now that is stuff right there. That is more like it.

“Also thought Alden Ehrenreich was perfectly cast as Han Solo.”

Now this is podcast shilling!

A millennial woman thinks Donald Glover is a delight. No surprise there.

But that last sentence. It’s these backhanded compliments and little digs that do have me a little surprised. Hope?

What about the guy who runs Rotten Tomatoes, a site that profits off of interest in movies, especially blockbusters that drive traffic?

I wonder if he’s figured out how to eliminate counting ANY low Audience Score ratings this time and not just the one star and below rating he excluded for The Last Jedi? I think the cut off should be three stars and below, Joel. Do right by Kathy here.

I think I went to high school with this next girl:

L3-37 is the BEST. DROID. EVER. Too 2012?

Yeah, when a droid “believes passionately in droids’ rights”, I’m going to say that it’s probably a nagging, soap-boxing annoyance and not the kind of droid I’d want around.

Oh, and Amy works for StarWars.com.

I’m telling you guys, this shit works!

And then there is this former, part-time, New Orleans news-babe who has clear ambitions on being the next Olivia Munn. “OMG, guis, I heart the Star War! LOVE!”

Is someone who is interviewing the stars of the movie for IGN tomorrow going to give an honest assessment about that movie today?

The Critics

Did any real critics from actual review sites, or at least non-shilling media sites, get to watch Solo: You’re Kathleen’s Only Hope?

Does Entertainment Weekly count as non-shill? I’m not sure at this point:

Uh oh… oh no…

CinemaBlend has always been a pretty reputable site. But that’s almost it for legit film critics. Compare this to the number of critics who said good things about Avengers: Infinity War and it looks like anyone with that might give an honest opinion was kept on the other side of the movable barriers.

Maybe this guy can count a critic?

Yeah, I’m afraid they want our brains to permanently adjust. So all become shill-synths. Everything is awesome when you’re part of team!

I don’t trust any of these people. Where is Kevin Smith? Where Kevin at? Where the boy at, Kathy? Kathy! Kathy! Look at me! Kathleen! Where the fuck Kevin at?

Low Dog was a great Lakota Sioux war chief who once slew 13 soldiers in hand-to-hand combat in a single battle. In the tradition of the Apache helicopter and the Washington Redskins, his spirit has returned to terrify his enemies. May he be so fortunate to slay as many shills in this lifetime as he slew soldiers in that one afternoon.

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