I Don’t Like Bond Very Much

Goldeneye and Casino Royale are decent action movies coming at the spy game from the opposite angles of camp and grit, but the rest of the catalog just reeks of the eras in which the movies were made.

Case in point, No Time To Die is full of current year bullshit like:

  • An Egyptian super-villain that we are emphatically told — by the actor playing him — has “no specific ideology.” Which one can assume to decipher as he’s not in the Irish Republican Army.
  • A fully-fêted female screenwriter that was brought in to “punch up” the script. Which one can assume means make sure Bond gets punched up by lots of powerful women.
  • A woman who takes the place of Bond as 007 and whom we’ve been specifically informed is simply immune to Jame’s seductive charms. I’m not sure what to assume by that, it could be a few different things.

This is our first glimpse of said female 007, aka Nomi:

I have to be really careful about the kind of jokes I make about the incomparable unattractive Lashana Lynch, so I will just point out the size of her hands. 

Those are the hands of a man. The kind of man who strangles women.

Watch out, Brie Larson!

Image result for brie larson lashana lynch
First comes the laughing, then comes the choking…

What Can We Tell From This Photo?

Double-Oh Nomi is deck out in like generic SWAT / tactical gear and what looks like a silenced suppressed MP7 strapped to her thigh. 

In the UK, the Heckler & Koch MP7 is used exclusively by the Minister Of Defense Police which provides provide armed security(particularly for WMDs) and engage in specialized counter-terrorism operations. 

Nomi’s gear looks very close to MOD Police tactical teams:

Her getup appears blue which could mean Special Boat Services or E Squadron, MI6’s QRT force formerly known as  “The Increment”.

Anyone who’s read Tom Marcus’s excellent autobiographical books known that these UK three-letters bounced back and forth all the time between SAS, MI5, SBS, MI6, SRR, etc so it could really be any spec ops unit.

Or maybe I put more research into this article than the costume designer and Double-Fem-Seven’s uniform means nothing.

She’s also sporting a seriously fat wristwatch that looks very similar to Bond’s Omega Seamaster, minus the cloth band.

Maybe he gifted it to her after a particularly invigorating pegging.

All of this tells us nothing.

We already know that Bond 25 is probably going to contain a whole lot of lessons which means it will be stupid and dumb.

Maybe it’s time to start reading again.