It’s Official

Our Government is ringing the economic death knell in order to curb this racially named influenza by “encouraging” us to stay home and stream our favorite shows.

The left wants us to hug a Chinese man and eat “Asian American” takeout, in case we’re so inclined to have racist thoughts towards Asia for slow response time.

Makes sense, right?

Or, you could give the Left and Big Government the finger by driving to a beach to hang out, but the thought of being less than six feet away from a bunch of young bikini-clad, ready and willing, tight, drunk Spring Break girls with tan lines makes me squeamish during these times.

Image result for spring break girls kissing

You could also opt-in for a spot at the pier and watch the medical Navy ships pull into harbor if time is not a thing to you. Bring your antibacterial sunscreen though and pay close attention to what the National Guard tells you to do.

Don’t get me wrong, catching some beach sun does sound tempting, but for now, I’ll listen to my superiors by practicing “safe distancing” and just stay at home.

I have no toilet paper left, but I have a sink, some day-old chili, two monitors and plans to cut the grass later in the week.

“What’s That Sound?”

Amazon? Oh no, silly me … It’s just my boss texting me my pink slip.

Let me turn those notifications off.

Speaking of Amazon, UPS should be here at any moment today, I hope.

Back in December of 2019 when the economy was still trucking along (I had lots of money then) I was feeling somewhat adventurous and decided to hang out on the “Dark Web” that late Friday night.

In its murky depths, for whatever reason, I stumbled upon this cool food supply vendor.

“What the shit?!”

“This sounds great,” I said to me.

I’m down.

So, I ordered this frozen food directly from Wuhan. The directions were clear; you’re supposed to defrost the bat, heat to 165 degrees F and add chicken broth with Sriracha sauce. Stir, wait and serve at room temperature.

I’ll only do this one time though because it takes several months to get here.

Apparently there’s a great deal of logistics involved, but the timing couldn’t have been better. Can’t wait. It’s still kind of early in the day right now.

I have a D&D game with friends scheduled tonight for 7PM eastern time via Viber and nothing planned until then. I may hop on, crank one out real quick in my office with the door locked, then find something to watch on Disney+.

I love Winnie the Pooh. I could slaughter at least 4 hours with the Pooh.

Speaking of Disney…

I kept complaining to my friends that there wasn’t enough non-binary entertainment out there and like a knight dressed in an emasculated cloth gown atop a strong female unicorn offering words of comfort, in gallops Marvel and the New Warriors… I want it now!

I want safe-spaces and inclement weathered backpacking heroes with zero defined gendered reading material in my hands, pronto. I want to smoke some internet gas and lose my fool mind while I have all of this time to lap it up.

Creator of the new New Warriors

Bring it!

On to the web and streaming fronts: Netflix has Tiger King. CBS has Picard. Rick and Morty on Hulu. Good Omens on Prime. Ozark season 3 will be here soon.

Fuck Star Wars now.

Contagion is appropriate.

Onward could be good.

Sonic the Hedgehog.

Birds of Prey and I’m sure Bloodshot is amazeballs.

I Digress…

Of course, there’s always regular books.

I just polished off The Ride of a Lifetime by Bob Iger. There’s some meaty Star Wars stuff towards the end of the book. Most of the book was written to make him look great in case he decides to run for President though.

Perhaps I could do something with the wife? Until this is over, I’ll keep thinking of stuff to do and creative ways to wipe my ass without touching.