When He opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the memories of those who had been slain because of the word of Mammon and the profits they had represented.
~ Rebootalations 6:9-11

Remember The 1990s?

We had high-concept action flicks that were all grounded in our reality.

Of course, they were completely absurdist reflections of reality but there were no aliens, there were no superpowers, they were no 110-pound women taking out teams of elite Special Forces operators.

They were all just straight-up action:

  • Under Siege
  • Speed
  • The Rock
  • The Long Kiss Goodnight
  • Con-Air
  • Air Force One

Running away with the gold medal for Most Ridiculous Premise in 1990s action absurdism is Face/Off, which was the Nicholas Cage’s second tentpole action that year!

We all know the movie, we all know the setup, we all know the result.

There’s chewing the scenery and then there’s throwing a script over the wall into the tiger exhibit where two alpha predators are fighting over their next meal.

This movie is responsible for some of the best unintentional humor in the history of cinema as well as some of the best movie criticism in radio history:

Face/Off was a great movie.”

“I’ll throw my coffee in your face!”

Please Recycle

Now, Paramount Pictures — in their infinite desperation — is rebooting Face/Off with the writer behind 22 Jump Street and the Sonic The Hedgehog movie set to script it.

Oren Uziel might be a very talented guy, his sole directorial effort Shimmer Lake is sitting at 6.2 on IMDb, but there is no one — not David Mamet, not David Koepp, not David Cronenberg — that can ever top what was accomplished back in 1997.

Leave the Holy Trinity of Cage, Travolta and Woo alone.

I understand why Paramount has sunk to the lowness of recycling such a shlock classic.

Just take a look at their YouTube channel:

When you’re leaning on Terminator: Dark Fate, Dora and a hack early 2000s sci-fi concept, it might be time to option a comic book, if there are any left.

Paramount, you’ve been warned. 

Desist or we movie martyrs will cry out for the Wrath of God.

Image result for the wrath of god painting