You Will Eat The Bugs
You will look at each piece of Star Wars esoterica that comes across your screens, you will examine it for clues, you will consume it like the starving fanboy you are.
Don’t lie to us, we know you’ve looked at close-up photos examining the frontal lobe bumps on Yoda’s head. You’ve been comparing, haven’t you?
We told you that The Mandalorian would restore your faith in the franchise enough to get you in the theater for The Rise Of Skywalker.
Once in the theater, you will be exposed to the “Lucas Cut” of the movie, which you know was ranked as an 88/100 by test audiences — the exact same test score that Forrest Gump received!
And what will you see in the pre-Certified Fresh official Creator version?
Lucasfilm still is under the impression that Jedis train with laser remotes. Even though the remote in A New Hope just happened to be a convenient tool that Obi-Wan found on the Falcon. More proof that neither Kathleen or George understands the IP.
Is that Luke’s lightsthaber? If not… wait… can Rey make her own lightsthaber? Eat up.
One of the most grotesque human faces to ever front a franchise or even appear on the silver screen. He looks like The Elephant Man transitioned to a woman.
Are those stormtroopers back there really white? Is it a trick of the light or are they a different color of stormtrooper? Yum, yum.
More ugly people. Even if you don’t think Isaiah Washington’s gay younger brother back there is a real looker, you really have to respect the way Lucasfilm just adds more and more characters into this trilogy so we never really get to know any of them better than anyone else. Who the hell is Finn anyway? What is his archetype? Stepin Fetchit? The cowardly lion?
Isn’t equity wonderful? Every character is equally undefined and unknown except for the color of their skin and their ethnically inoffensive hairstyle!
Is Isaiah Washington’s brother wearing a parachute?
At least there are two attractive people. But I don’t see myself in that photo. Downvote! Unsubscribe! Block! Boycott! But seriously, where are the white people?
There we are.
“This was a new design?”
At least we got all the heroes back together, right?
Is Rey actually holding that lightsthaber? Crunch, crunch.
Maybe they saw some baby crystal foxes? You see… it’s just… it’s absolute shit.
You will be amazing at how they really turned the trilogy around when The Rise Of Skywalker erases Rian Johnson from our specieal memory on December 20, 2019.
