Not since A Quiet Place bored me for two hours has a sci-fi/horror movie failed so miserably to be scientific or horrifying.

Sandra Bullock in Bird Box
Dorky La Forge

Old Faithful

Sandra Bullock almost never disappoints. I say almost never because The Heat exists. But she has so many winning performances to her name that it’s easy to overlook her missteps. For Crom’s sake, I just watched Two Weeks Notice and she was perfect!

Bird Box is another winning performance. She’s great in this. Indeed, all the acting is good in this movie. Truly, there must have been motivating factors for the cast other than money because each seems invested and believable.

Amongst them are Trevante Rhodes (ahem, Moonlight) John Malkovich, Rosa Salazar (the forthcoming Alita: Battle Angel) and Tom Hollander (a couple of Pirates of the Caribbean movies).

How those folks managed to get invested in the utterly stupid premise behind this movie is beyond me.

Maybe it was just the paycheck.

Maybe they’re all social justice warriors.

Maybe I’m just going crazy.

Luke and R2 on Dagobah

The Pitch

I watch some movies and wonder to myself, “How the hell did this get made?”



A NETFLIX EXECUTIVE strolls into a richly appointed boardroom and stands next to an empty seat at the head of the table. Twenty-something herself, she surveys the few young people seated, smiling down at them. The clock on the wall behind her reads 1:43 PM.

Wowww. Ok. Good morning, everyone. I think I already know everyone except…

A YOUNG MAN, playing on his smartphone, looks up after a moment, annoyed. He affects an air of disdain. He is Josh Malerman.

Josh Malerman
Fear and Loathing in The Library

Josh. I wrote the novel. And, like, I have a band called The High Strung. Shameless used our song for their theme.

He stares, defiant.

(taking her seat)
The novel. Right. Ok. Shameless. That fuckin’ Bill Macy! We need to maybe get working with him on something! Alright, Barbara, Eric, what’ve you got for me? Oh! Barbara! Congrats on IT! Fuckin’ hundred-and-twenty-three mil opening! In September!

Barbara Muschietti
Not pictured at left: a large red S and H.

Thanks! For sure! Andy and I were through the roof over it. We’re already planning movie two, which is the kids grown up and facing It again. But actually, for this one, I’ll let Eric pitch it.

She motions to a dweeby-looking weasel seated to her left.

Eric Heisserer
The man responsible for writing Bird Box. And the remake of A Nightmare On Elm Street. And The Conjuring 2. And Lights Out. And Arrival. And the prequel to The Thing. Clearly, this man knows horror!

So, you’ve probably heard that Krasinski is shooting right now on a movie where mysterious creatures hunt people by sound. So, like, people can’t make a single noise or else!

Right, right. A Quiet Place… or something?

Yes! Exactly! So we’ve got that, and I asked Josh to be here to answer any technical questions, but instead of being silent… our people can’t use their eyes!

THE EXECUTIVE slumps back in her chair, a golden glow washing over her face, which suddenly cracks into the biggest smile you’ve ever seen.

I. FUCKING. LOVE IT. I’m signing on it. Who’s our director and when can we roll?

Terrifyingly Stupid

Aside from being a lame concept, Bird Box is also a full-on assault of social justice ideology and globalist ideals. Of course, those two concepts are massive and I would need several articles to describe them, but here are the salient points/instances related to this movie:

Literal Drumpf

John Malkovich plays an old white man who will not allow anyone into the home he shares with other survivors. He gets drunk at his first opportunity and is constantly insulting his fellow survivors. He even hollers out his version of the MAGA slogan.

Divinity Of The Minority

Opposing him are Rhodes and assorted female characters. They are the ones who feel compassion and a desire to make their world an inclusionary place, whereas Malkovich wants the borders closed.

Sight Privilege

Some humans are able to survive the ravages of the entities. All these characters are white people. One even looks like he stepped off a remake of Deliverance.

Constant State Of Coddling

You need to promise them dreams that may never come true. You need to love them knowing you may lose them at any second.”

That is actual dialogue, consecutive lines, spoken by Rhodes during an argument with Bullock about their kids. Yup. Sure. Thanks, Dr. Hallmark. If ever there was a parenting formula for raising a fat pussy, that dialogue is it.

What About My Feelings?

The entities, or beings, or whatever unseen forces are causing the carnage, are able to show people their own worst fears. They know each individual’s name, which implies a supernatural angle, but in the end, this is a social justice warrior’s wet dream: “My own private fears are coming to life.”

What could be more pleasing to this morose and dejected generation of people?

They don’t want the world to be a better place for everyone.

What they really want is for the world to bend to their weak will and be their own private safe space.

Knowing that is nigh impossible, I’m sure death seems preferable to many.

Shit Box

In summation, fuck this movie. It’s an ideological shit sandwich made with stupid-bread.

for the good acting alone.

Bird Box is available now on Netflix.

Thanks for reading!

Adiós amigos y amiguitas!



Vice-President of Stoicism at Film Goblin. Your resident American-Mexican! My parents blessed me with looks, charm, and a love of movies. Looking back on it all, I wish they'd blessed me with money instead. But hey, here we are, right? May Crom be praised, I LOVE MOVIES. I sincerely hope that you enjoy my work and that you genuinely laugh out loud sometimes. Yours, HTR