Early “professional reviewers” who saw Godzilla: King of the Monsters seemed to be in agreement that there were too many monster fights.

They couldn’t have been more wrong.

2014’s Godzilla was one of the best Godzilla films, for the 15 minutes Godzilla was on screen, the rest of the movie was boring humans. The 2019 Godzilla: King of the Monsters packs way more punch but still has way too many humans for my taste.

Please, squish all the humans so we can have more monster fights!

More than half of the movie is boring humans talking about things and not nearly enough kaiju punching each other through buildings. But, at least it was a step up from last time for monster screen time.

They try to get you invested in the guy from Early Edition finding his daughter from Stranger Things, but it was just a bunch of meatloaf before the kaiju pudding. I know you have to eat your meat before your pudding but the human scenes were only interesting when they were talking about the kaiju.

Special effects are great but lack the charm of a dude in a rubber suit.

There was also one really annoying scene where someone says “Oh, my God” and the annoying guy from The Good Guys says “Zilla”. It was in the trailers too and I don’t know what normie thought that was good writing.

Godzilla: King of the Monsters‘ plot was simple and predictable, which is a good thing. A simple vehicle for kaiju slap fights. Though the “too many monster fights” never came. Godzilla really only fights one other monster the whole movie. 

Godzilla showing everyone who is king.

There are a couple of other monster fights and a bunch of shots of monsters being jerks to city skylines. But, I was really hoping to see Godzilla lay the smackdown on multiple monsters like in Godzilla: Final Wars, probably my favorite Godzilla movie.

Don’t judge me.

The spectacle is worth seeing on the big screen but I don’t think we’re looking at an instant classic. I enjoyed myself and was happy to see that they are making a Godzilla Versus King Kong movie as a follow-up.

I’m really confused by the subtitle of “God versus King” after Godzilla was declared King of the Monsters. Is King Kong the God? Because that’s a whole other can of worms. 

If you enjoy kaiju movies you’ll enjoy King Of The Monsters more than 2014’s Godzilla.

If you don’t like big monsters shooting radioactive fire out of their mouths… avoid this movie.

Godzilla King of the Monsters Vs The Five Bs Of Enjoyable Bad Movies

Blood

Does Kaiju blood count? I don’t know. There are quite a few deaths. Humans killing humans, Kaiju killing humans, Kaiju killing Kaiju but this was as PG-13 as it gets. Violence without consequences… or at least all the consequences get burned up by atomic hellfire.

Babes

Vera Farmiga was a MILF and honestly, I was surprised she had an IMBD page. I had never seen her in anything before. So I can only assume that she takes a lot of forgettable roles or just really boring movies.

Ziya Zhang is still smoking hot even with super short hair. And, I’ve seen her in pretty much every martial arts movie that has come out of China for the last two decades. I would not have believed she was 40 if I hadn’t seen Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon before I was even in high school.

Baddie

Charles Dance is the only villain of note that can’t accidentally destroy a skyscraper by sneezing too hard. You might remember him as the douchey king in Game of Thrones and I guess he’s typecast because he plays the douchey eco-terrorist like they are the same character.

Ghidorah is there too. But he’s only a villain in the same way a hurricane is a villain. Or, an alien kaiju from Planet X sent to destroy the world. Actually, that sounds like a way better villain than an eco-terrorist but all he does is throw a temper tantrum after waking from his nap.

Boom

There is boom. Whole cities get destroyed… and somehow it lacks much impact at all. There are a few scenes where humans are being flung around by being too near a Kaiju but most of the time it’s just CGI buildings.

When you see the monsters clash it’s awesome… but I kept wanting more. Which is strange that other reviewers somehow wanted more human drama.

Bad Acting

The acting is decent if nothing special really happened. Maybe I am just jaded but the humans felt basic at the best of times and grating at the worst. Ken Watanabe from the 2014 Godzilla movie was one of the few saving graces. He was excellent even if his big plan seemed ill-conceived.

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A fan of B-movies, comic books, video games, and anime. I have no real expertise and all of my opinions should be regarded as deeply uninformed. I lived through religious right wingers going after Dungeons & Dragons, and now SJWs infesting comic books and gaming. Hopefully one day moral authoritarians will stop touching our things. I want to share geeky things with everyone, but don't like bullies coming in.