Matter of fact, they’re the only 13 new movies that I saw this year.
If you know me, you know that my kids are little and they pretty much run my life while I try to get them further along toward self-reliance. So getting around to see new movies is a bit of a challenge, logistic or otherwise.
However, I am doing my part to make sure that this great nation is locked and loaded with more red-blooded, flag-waving, standing-for-the-anthem Americans, so I’ll just assume and accept your thanks and appreciation for my efforts. You’re welcome, people of Earth.
Anyhoo, here we go, ranked from worst to best:
13. Bird Box
Yes, 50 Shades Freed is better than this piece of shit and it was a sad ending to a year in movies.
12. 50 Shades Freed
I would venture to say that this movie, as well as the series, is a complete waste of time.
There are many dozens of things you could do with your life instead of watching the 50 Shades series. Unless you’d like to jerk off to Dakota Johnson’s ass, which would be understandable because it’s a nice one. Just don’t mess up and shoot it to Jamie Dornan’s ass, because you see his as much as you see hers.
As you may have guessed, my wife is the one who wanted to watch this series.
Of interest to me was the fact that 50 Shades Darker and 50 Shades Freed were both directed by James Foley, who also directed one of my all-time favorite movies, Glengarry Glen Ross.
11. A Quiet Place
One of the more ridiculous sci-fi movies that I’ve seen in a long time.
Ok, Krasinski. You expect me to believe that humanity was driven to apocalypse-conditions because it was outsmarted by a blind alien species that hunts by sound alone? No one thought to make a sound-baited trap and lie in wait?
This movie features great cinematography but is way too far up its own ass to be enjoyed, even if you can overlook the stupid premise.
The most entertaining things about this movie are:
- I told my wife that her family would be the first ones eaten because they couldn’t be quiet to save their lives. She was not amused.
- Also, Emily Blunt is pregnant during the movie, so Krasinski must’ve fucked her discreetly. I kept hearing this song in my head while watching the movie:
10. Solo: A Star Wars Story
9. Peter Rabbit
8. 12 Strong
I barely remember this movie. I recall liking it OK but that’s simply not good enough.
Movies like this should have a lasting impact. I know not every movie can be a Dunkirk or Saving Private Ryan, but “meh” just isn’t good enough for a tale about our military men and women. They not only lay their own lives on the line but also the lives of their families because they are ready to fight for an ideal.
And for us. Even for disrespectful motherfuckers like Colin Kaepernick and Beto O’Rourke.
7. Uncle Drew
My nephews, who are a lot like Mexican versions of Huey, Dewey, and Louie, sprang this one on me.
They and their family came into town to hang out and eat pizza at our house. Next thing I know, we’re watching this one. I rolled with it. I expected to hate it but, as you can see by its place in the countdown, I liked it. Kyrie Irving is a decent actor and Shaq is a lot of fun on screen.
6. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
This series continues to stray even farther from its origins and I fully expect the next sequel to feature Vin Diesel in a muscle car racing a Velociraptor on the beach. I say that to mean that, while no longer thrilling, these movies are now big dumb fun. They’re a good workout for your home theater system.
5. Incredibles 2
I guess I have to give Brad Bird credit for trying, but he tried way too hard. The whole of this movie seems like he’s trying to show up the Marvel Cinematic Universe and it ends up being overwrought.
This isn’t a bad movie but it’s too much of a good movie if you catch my drift.
Also, Holly Hunter sounds like she smoked a pack a day while recording her dialogue, while Craig T. Nelson sounds like he recorded his from the comfort of his Craftmatic Bed.
4. Black Panther
2. Avengers: Infinity War
Here’s my review and also note that this movie is available now on Netflix. I’ve already watched it twice. It holds up just as well and is just as thrilling.
By way of preparing my wife for Captain Marvel and Endgame, after we watched this one we immediately watched the stinger and then the Captain Marvel trailer.
My wife laughed out loud at the mohawk-helmet thing, and she said, “And this girl is going to save the day in the next Avengers?”
I could only shrug.
What else can I say? It’s my favorite movie of 2018. Bravo!
If you’re a horror fan and you didn’t like this movie, I don’t know what the hell else to tell you.
Hereditary is available now on Amazon Prime.
There you have them. What a wild year in movies! Thrilling heights and swamp-shit valleys.
I sincerely hope you all have a safe and fun New Year’s Eve celebration and a very happy and prosperous 2019.
And what’s up ahead? Oh, yeah…
DO NOT go see Star Wars Episode IX. Vote with your money. Let Disney know that this is ovah! We have the high ground!
Adiós amigos y amiguitas!