Ready Player One Is The Single Best Thing Ever Put To Film
Hey, Iggy Here!
Well, I just got back from Ready Player One, and what can I say? I thought it was going to be awesome but I was not prepared for THIS MUCH AWESOME!
It was like a religious experience, only more orgasmic. It was religiorgasmic! That’s right! I just had to create a new word to describe just how awesome seeing this movie was!
Okay, and this is a good as time as any to warn you: THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS! I MEAN IT. You got it? Okay, let’s go!
I Never Thought It Could Happen To Me…
I never thought it could happen, but this film has replaced 1980’s Flash Gordon as the best film in the history of the world ever made by anybody.
I mean seriously! It has Chucky from Child’s Play as a weapon! That they use to kill the bad guys! It has Mechagodzilla and Iron Giant and the Delorean from Back To The Future! There’s a giant Gundam robot and it fights Mechagodzilla! They visit The Overlook Hotel from The Shining! I mean, wow. That’s all I can say. Wow!
Here Is The Incredible Story Which Is The Best Ever
Okay, so Parzival (Wade Watts in the real world, played by fabulous actor Tye Sheridan in a career-making role) is this awesome gamer who lives in this really cool multi-story mobile home.
If you read the book you know it’s because real estate is at a premium so mobile home parks have gone to “stacking” one mobile home on top of another. And that’s where poor kids who need a golden ticket to a magical digital chocolate factory have to live.
It’s like Willie Wonka, only with 80s pop culture references and explosions and virtual reality stuff. It really is! Can you imagine anything better? I don’t think there can be anything better.
Okay, anyway, Willie Wonka dies—I mean, James Halloway—and he was the creator of this awesome and super-popular online gaming platform called The Oasis. They put on VR glasses and these funky suits that let them feel when people touch them (I’m getting tingles all over my big-boned body just thinking about it!) and then they play with each other. It’s so exciting!
It’s Just Like Willie Wonka But Also A Million Times Better
But see, Halloway stipulated in his will that the first person who finds the easter egg hidden in The Oasis will become a multi-billionaire and get control over The Oasis. Like Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory! Wow!
But there’s also this evil company that wants to win the game and take over The Oasis and start charging everybody tons of money to access and also put advertisements everywhere and make it really suck for everybody and exclude the poor. Sound a little like Donald Trump? I think it does!
Oh, and The Oasis is free to everybody to access. That’s why IOI is evil, because they want to charge money. That would be like if Facebook wanted to charge money. It’s just wrong!
Well, Parzival says “No!”, so they send in drones and blow up the stacks he lives in and kill his aunt, even though he isn’t there at the time. And so he plays the game in his Delorean and does a race and gets the first key. Or maybe he does that first and then the “stacks” get blown up. I think that’s it. It was all so cool it was hard to keep track!
I Saw The Batmobile And the Ghost Busters Car And Other Cool Stuff
Oh, and in the race there was a Batmobile from the 1960s series and I think I saw the Ghostbusters car and also there was King Kong and a dinosaur from Jurassic Park probably and all sorts of super cool stuff. Seriously, I think I saw Freddy Krueger. It was awesome!
So, anyway, Parzival meets this great girl named Artemis who loves him for who he is and his incredible knowledge of pop culture, not what he looks like, just like this girl in middle school I knew that looked just like Daisy Ridley and almost fell in love with me before she had to move away because her parents were diplomats.
Then they find the second key and Artemis gets put in debtor’s prison, where IOI keeps everyone who is behind on their payments and forces them to work like slaves! Doesn’t sound so far-fetched in Trump’s America, does it? I didn’t think so either!
Anyway, Parzival is super-brave and helps get her out, but she stays inside the company and blends in with the IOI goons so she can disable the super-cool shield that’s keeping Parzival and his friends from getting to the 3rd and last key. She makes it happen, and then like EVERYBODy in The Oasis shows up to help give IOI (they are the bad guys) the what for! That’s what Americans need to do: show up and fight for justice when people are trying to take away their right to play video games all day as sexy avatars!
Also, Parzival’s best friend Aech has an avatar that’s this huge strong half-robot World of Warcraft kind of dude but it turns out she’s a young African-American woman. That was so cool!
The Only Way To Win Is To Know How To Play
There was no War Games sequence in the film, BTW, like there was in the book, and I was disappointed by that just like I was sad there was no Zork and no Dungeons of Daggorath or even Dungeons & Dragons. These omissions were a little disappointing, but Spielberg didn’t want to make THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME or there’d be nothing for later film makers to tackle. He wanted to make a great movie, but not make it so there was no reason for anybody to make another movie ever!
So anyway! Finally, after the big shield is turned off and Parzival can get to the final key, the bad guys set off a weapon that kills everybody in the game! But little did the bad guy (or Parzival himself) know, a secret someone had given Parzival a magic quarter that gave him an extra life. So when the bad guys set off the nuke, everybody died but him!
I would have stood up and cheered if I could have stood up!
Parzival Wins By Being Awesome At Atari and Iron Giant Is So Cool In This
Then he was able to finish finding the easter egg in the original Atari Adventure, and then he found Halliday’s easter egg. Wow! Then he found out he was in control of The Oasis. And then he splits ownership with his friends, and they run it peacefully like a group of benevolent dictators and society gets better from then on out. Man, I wish that could happen in real life!
Boy, what a great movie. I think it is definitely the best movie ever. There’s a Rubik’s cube that’s used as a weapon in it. How cool is that? Some disco dancing to the BeeGees! How cool is that? And The Iron Giant! Crap, that was awesome. Iron giant is bad ass in this movie!
Phew! Okay. Also, I went to the AMC IMAX where you can order food, and I can tell you two important things about that: 1: The food is delicious, and they’ll just keep bringing it, and 2: They sure get mad when your credit card is declined and you don’t have any cash.
Man, I can’t wait to see this movie again! And I will. But probably not at the AMC IMAX
Do yourself a favor and go see the greatest movie ever made RIGHT NOW!!
P.S. Ernie Cline, I’ve got so many great ideas for the sequel that I know is coming. Email me! I keep trying to get in touch but I must be getting caught in your spam filter and I think you accidentally blocked me on Twitter! Thanks!
Keep it chilly, peeps.
King Geek sayin’ sayonara!
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