Welcome back to Cinematic Immunity!
Here’s a surprise threesome for you in this article. Three reviews for the price of one click!
Baby Driver is a stupid, colorful piece of shit. It’s a big turd, rolled in Fruity Pebbles and served at high speed. I’d rather rewatch the entire Fast and Furious series because at least those are enjoyable, unpretentious car caper movies.
Now that’s out of the way, let’s get into the movies about pale, scary hags. One was preyed on as a child, and the other preys on children.
I apologize. Sir Elton John isn’t a hag.
But he doesn’t exactly have international megastar good looks, either. While watching Rocketman, starring Taron Egerton as John, my wife was browsing the internet as she always does while we watch movies. She suddenly looked up from her phone and declared, “They did Elton John a huge favor in this movie!”
She thrust her phone screen in my face and I see this picture:
Difference in looks aside, there were moments in the movie where I would’ve sworn that it was actually John performing. Egerton is excellent in the role.
The movie itself is an intense musical drama, and it hits both marks perfectly.
Moments of high drama are highlighted by the actors breaking into performances of John’s songs, with performances ranging from soft singing all the way up to Broadwayesque showtunes. Each musical number also presents some truly great imagery.
I’m not a big fan of musicals but there are a few that I enjoy revisiting: The Phantom of the Opera (2004), Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Team America: World Police, Fiddler On the Roof (1971).
Rocketman is one that I can see revisiting because it achieves the heights of those on my list, mostly due to John’s incredible list of hits. It’s a wonderful experience. John may not have rock star looks but he is the epitome of a rock star.
I must also praise Bryce Dallas Howard for her performance in this movie. She does a great English accent (in my opinion) and she is menacing to young Elton without being over-the-top.
I give Rocketman a very, very high recommendation. It makes Bohemian Rhapsody seem boring in comparison, which it was already, all on its own.
The Curse Of La Llorona
Which is worse: an unfunny comedy or a boring horror movie?
For the sake of this article, we’ll say that a boring horror movie is worse. Which La Llorona (yoh-RROH-nah) is.
The fact that this movie is part of The Conjuring Cinematic Universe doesn’t exactly do it any favors, either. Annabelle the doll makes a very brief cameo appearance, seemingly to underline the stupidity on display.
The one positive in this movie is Linda Cardellini. She tries her ass off to make this movie relatable, grounded, and scary. And you may already know that I appreciate a relatable horror movie.
Her valiant effort isn’t enough, however, to save this piece of shit. Her own director sells her out early on by including a Scooby-Doo inside joke in the movie (Cardellini played Velma once upon a time). Har-dee-fucking-har.
Don’t waste your time on this lame movie, and I won’t waste any more of your time making you read about it.
See you next time on Cinematic Immunity. Adiós amigos y amiguitas!