Author’s Note: An incomplete version of this review was posted two days ago by a reckless editor. The editor has been disintegrated. 

You’re Just A Fanboy

You only care about seeing familiar things you know from the Star Wars franchise.

Sure, of course, you would love to see a new character who becomes iconic as Darth Vader or Boba Fett but you’re afraid that the people currently behind Star Wars are so inept and craven that whatever they could come up with wouldn’t fit like a blind, Force-worshipping, non-Force using samurai or, even worse, would be crass exploitation like that silver stormtrooper.

And you’re not wrong. 

These three couldn’t find Joe Louis in a bowl of rice.

But this doesn’t mean you have the accept complete mediocrity of fan fiction put together by Diorama Filoni and others who are just smart enough to know the hack.

The Star Wars Hack?

It’s simple: I call it fanertainment™.

The Four Commandments Of Fanertainment

  1. Don’t fuck anything up. Stick to canon.
  2. Avoid hacky socio-political messaging.
  3. Show things from the past. Anything from the past that sort of makes sense in context is fair game.
  4. Show us new things that make sense in-universe.

This is what fanertainment is about: it’s about things. The ships, the guns, the monsters, the aliens, the unknown lore, etc.

“Isn’t that fucking cool!”

Admit it: that was episode one of The Mandalorian and it made the fans incredibly happy. I even said it was the best Star Wars since the Original Trilogy.

You can’t please everyone.

And this isn’t a crime again the franchise. In fact, the Star Wars that we all remember and cherish was also about things.

Each iteration was a journey into the unknown whose destination was a wonder.

You didn’t know about lightsabers before A New Hope, you didn’t know about Boba Fett before Empire, you didn’t know about force lightning until Jedi.

Return of The Fan Service

We can argue over whether The Mandalorian has any of the excitement, tension or adventure of the Original Trilogy — it doesn’t — but we have to agree that the first episode of the series did show us new things.

That walrus was new. Errr… I guess the sea serpent was new. New to Star Wars. Maybe?

Unfortunately, with episode two we’ve returned to the safe space of the past.

You’ve got Jawas from the A New Hope, a reek from Attack Of The Clones and baby Yoda doing force stuff from Empire.

Normal fans, who you respect, will absolutely lose their mind and tell you that this episode is “a masterpiece” and “they finally got Star Wars right” just because it’s stuff they know and they like being serviced.

Are You Not Fluffed?

What’s worse, almost the entire 28 minutes is filler. It does nothing to advance the story or explore the characters. The audience is in exactly the same place it was before spending another half-hour in the world of The Mandalorian

The characters and scenarios are dead ends. It’s a side quest in a season that is going to be all of four hours long.

What this tells me is that Filoni and Favreau have absolutely no respect for the audience beyond showing fanboys things that will make them clap like trained Kowakian monkey-lizards.

Sorry, not into it. I’m not a Star Wars fan anymore.

Lucasfilm has burned me on seven films in a row.

I don’t care about seeing a new creature. A new ship isn’t really that exciting. I don’t give a shit about Jawas. I don’t give a fuck how cute a Baby Yoda is — I don’t need to pretend I have a soft-side on social media to get sex from fat Star Wars chicks!

Lucasfilm needs to earn back fans with compelling drama and exciting action set in the Star Wars universe, not simply recycling characters and iconography into a motif that while familiar, lacks energy, tension and, honestly, thinking.

Despite the lack of female characters…

It’s Become a Dumb Show

This is another side effect of fan service. Your entertainment doesn’t need to explain anything or make any sense because “Look at this nostalgia bauble!”. 

  • What the hell was that ambush about?
  • Why are the Jawas on this planet?
  • OK, so maybe they are star-faring scavengers… but then why are they in the same exact crawler as they had on Tatooine? Did they bring it with them? Do they have an armory like the Empire? Are they buying crawlers in bulk? With their scavenging wages?
  • Why is The Mand floating Baby Yoda around in dangerous territory with the hood of his bassinet down? (Imagine a bassinet is Star Wars.)
  • How is he going to kill a 5000-pound Reek with one stab from a 5-inch blade?
  • Who instructed this Baby Yoda in the ways if The Force considering there is only one Jedi left in the entire Galaxy?
  • How does a baby know about The Force if it can’t even talk?
  • Are we going with the Disney Wars concept of The Force that says users can actively call on The Force without ever knowing about it because of… midichlorians? 

Ah, fuck it.

We’re Finally On Our Own

We’re about 13,323 days from the OT, I’d say we’ve been on our own for a while.

This is what Star Wars is now.

Lucasfilm will never combine the quality writing of a AAA+ premier television series like the first few seasons of Homeland, Game of Thrones or House of Cards with the spectacle and wonder of Star Wars.

And they don’t have to because you’ll accept anything.

It’s your right to enjoy the things you know, but know yourself first.

Admit who you are.

Welcome to the rest of your franchise life.