The $$$st Place on Earth

“Disneyland will never be completed,” Walt Disney once said. “It will continue to grow as long as there are multi-billion-dollar IPs left to exploit in the world.”

Okay, maybe he didn’t say exactly THAT.

I think Uncle Walt really meant to say something about “imagination” or some other such nonsense. However, Disneyland will always continue to grow, mainly as a place where you pay a hundred bucks per head for the privilege of feeding your family $15 hot dogs while they spend the better part of a day in baking heat waiting to get through the line at Splash Mountain.

“We estimate that 65 years from now my successors will be tearing most of this out in order to build GiveUsAllYourGoddamnedMoneyLand.”

Get Your Ass-to-Mouse

BUT NOW, Mouseketeers, you can experience the magic of having your credit cards maxed out by Disney’s latest corporate acquisitions! USA Today reports that the new expansions of Disneyland and Disney World, along with parks in other countries I can’t be bothered to keep track of, will include:

Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge, where you can enjoy being lectured to in person by purple-haired vice-admirals who show up for duty in their prom dresses. The Disney World version will include a hotel “seamlessly connected” to this chunk of the park so that you couldn’t get the fuck away from Star Wars if you wanted to! (And of course you don’t, do you? DO YOU????)

Pixar Pier, which will be supplanting the scrubbed-clean knock-off of a seedy early 20th century boardwalk with a scrubbed-clean boardwalk based on late-20th-century CG character designs. Andy got too old for this shit, but you never have to!

Other shit involving talking raccoons and giant mice. Not seeing anything about a Marvel “land” here, but don’t worry, it’s coming. (No word on Black Panther Land yet either, but if you’re in Anaheim you can presumably just leave the park and drive a couple dozen miles northwest if you want that experience.)

Anyway, I don’t care about any of this stuff; if you do then by all means, take out a third mortgage and get over there; I won’t try to stop you.

Personally, I’m old enough to remember when California Adventure was just a giant fucking parking lot. AND WE LIKED IT THAT WAY!!!!



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