King Geek Here!

It feels like I’ve been working on this review of The Last Jedi for forever. It used to be that people would set up special viewings for new Star Wars films for me, because as the King Geek they wanted my input. And to kiss my ring! *snicker*

Now, for some reason nobody did that with this one. I think maybe they lost my email address or something. And I couldn’t go to my normal theater, for reasons my lawyer said I couldn’t discuss here, but don’t believe the lies, people! I just tried to help some people and—now they are telling me I can’t talk about that either. How am I supposed to give and honest and objective review about the best Star Wars film ever with these kind of limitations?

Well, I’ll try. Anyway, I bought two tickets for myself for the matinee showing at the theater at the mall and got everything I needed to make sure I could focus on the latest installment so I could give you, my fans, a complete and detailed review of this brilliant, brilliant film.

First, let me say that while the film is almost universally loved, there are a few trolls and Trump supporters out there who have been saying bad things about this film because they are horrible human beings and lie about everything. Still, I felt I needed to explain to them just why this is not only a great film, but the perfect Star Wars film.

Rey practicing with light Saber in The Last Jedi
Rey demonstrates her skills with a light saber in the best Star Wars movie ever.

First, Rey is great, and she is really good with her light saber! *snicker*

And she reminds me of this girl I went to school with. She was in study hall with me, and unlike some of the other girls at the school, she really respected my film knowledge and loved comic books! If only her parents hadn’t been traveling diplomats, and moved away right before prom! I was about to ask her to be my girlfriend, and given that we had bonded a few weeks before over our mutual love of Mike Hodges’ Flash Gordon, and she had been duly impressed that my dad actually knew Mike Hodges, because he came into my dad’s headshop on three different occasions to buy “supplies” (wink, wink), my life would have been totally different in highschool with my hot Daisy Ridley-looking girlfriend that I would have had, if her parents hadn’t been diplomats.

Anyway, when I showed her my original Ming the Merciless ring from the actual movie that Mike Hodges had personally given me at my 9th birthday party, she almost told me that she loved me. I could see it there on her lips. But then somebody interrupted with cake, and you can’t say no to cake!

So I was already going to love Rey, right? And I do! But what’s even better is that she is even better at using the force than Luke or Anakin ever were, and with no training! The tiny few people complaining about that don’t get it, but I do, and I’m here to explain it to you: Rey is the child of the prophesy. It was never Anakin! Or Luke! It was always Rey, and she is the one who is bringing balance to the force! Just knowing that even makes the prequels better, right? I told you, listen to King Geek! He’ll set you straight!

Vice Admiral Holdo from The Last Jedi
Vice Admiral Holdo looks dramatic and stylish while wisely concealing unnecessary information from a reckless Poe Dameron.

My favorite character in The Last Jedi, though, has to be Laura Dern as Vice Admiral Holdo! As basically second-in-command to General Princess Leia (who can fly now, how cool was that?!), she is just as strong and powerful as Leia and Rey, and nobly sacrifices herself to save the rebel resistance in a great character moment that has just cemented Vice Admiral Holdo as a queen in the pantheon of Star Wars characters. I loved that purple hair! She was just a brilliant character, and just what Star Wars has always been missing, you just didn’t know it! I can’t wait for the Rian Johnson trilogy–it’s going to be epic!

So anyway, Poe Dameron has to shoot out all the cannons on the new awesome Dreadnaught, and he does it! That was great! And then they can bomb the Dreadnaught with all these cool bombs, and then it blows up! It’s about time, too. The word war is right in the title of Star Wars, and people drop bombs in wars, they don’t just shoot lasers! This has long been a glaring omission in all past Star Wars movies, and Rian Johnson finally addressed it. Bless him!

Then we see General Hux, who is obviously a metaphor for Trump, talking to Snoke, who is clearly supposed to be Steve Bannon or Dick Cheney or somebody. And Snoke uses his force-power to mop the floor with Hux! I was laughing so much I dumped my popcorn on the floor, and had to eat it off the floor, but that was okay. I didn’t even mind bending over, because the movie (and the popcorn!) was so good!

I spilled my popcorn on the floor, and I scooped a lot of it back into the bucket, but I couldn’t get all of it and it was really good so I just bent over and ate whatever I didn’t get scooped back into the bucket off the floor, which is the kind of guy I am because I didn’t want to leave anything dirty under the seats for some poor working stiff at the theater to have to clean up!

And see, you need to understand the underlying message that Trump is bad and Hillary should have won, because she would have sacrificed herself to blow up a bunch of First Order star destroyers, and not ever have built Starkiller base, which is almost turned into a metaphor for Trump’s wall, despite not really ever being mentioned in The Last Jedi. Once you get that, you understand just how brilliant and timely and awesome this movie is.

Then there’s Kylo Ren and Rey. The sexual tension is just incredible, and when they are force-talking with Kylo’s shirt off, it reminded me so much of when I showed my almost-girlfriend (who looked just like Daisy Ridley) my Ming the Merciless ring that Mike Hodges gave me himself. I got goose bumps watching that scene!

Benicio Del Toro in a film that isn't actually the Last Jedi.
Benicio Del Toro is the only character who smokes cigarettes in The Last Jedi.

Then there’s Benicio Del Toro, who is good in everything and elevates the movie to a whole other level. And he explains that it’s really the military industrial complex making the resistance and the First Order fight! You know the payoff for that is going to be awesome in the next movie.

The Casino planet sequence was perfect! Reminded my of the very best parts of the prequels, despite not getting a special showing of this Star Wars like I got for the prequels, because the people I know at Lucasfilm must have lost my email address.

Then, when Kylo Ren decided not to kill his mother, but some other person does anyway, but Leia flies back to the spaceship using her force power—that’s like the best thing EVER! If you didn’t love that scene and cheer and cry, you have no soul.

And wait! I almost forgot about Luke! That shows you how brilliant The Last Jedi is. This is about the next generation, not those stodgy old farts. And keep in mind, Luke’s character is entirely consistent in this film with the OT. Remember when he didn’t want to work on the droids and instead wanted to go to Tosche Station? That’s just the kind of lazy teenager that grows into an old man who abandons all his friends after contemplating murdering the child of his sister and best friend. The puzzle fits together perfectly, and boy is it satisfying!

Anyway, Luke does a force projection and dies after Yoda shows up and is an ACTUAL PUPPET finally, and blows up the Jedi temple with force lightning. It’s even better than I’m describing it! You’ve got to see it, if you haven’t already. Then Rey shows up and saves all the rebels and it’s so good, and she really reminded me of the girl who was almost my girlfriend that time. It was really so good.

Which is not to say there aren’t some poignant nods to the old, inferior original films. There’s Luke, he’s in it some. You see C-3PO and R2-D2 for a minute, I think. And there’s a cameo for Admiral Ackbar, who in a great character arc says something I forgot and then dies anonymously off-screen. That really tells you: this is a new story, about Rey and Vice Admiral Holdo and Finn—wait, I almost forgot Finn! He fights Stormtrooper Phasma and beats her. But I bet she’s still alive, and becomes the Boba Fett of the next movie, only this time a strong woman Boba Fett who will show the guys who’s boss! Yes!!

Anyway, I’m glad I could explain to that tiny minority of haters out there why The Last Jedi is the best Star Wars film ever. I know the rest of you already know how super-great it is! *snicker*

That’s it for now! I’ve got to get back to working on my Things & Stuff column if I want to get that gift list ready for Christmas.

This is King Geek, signing out! Keep it chilly, peeps!

Ignatius Roeper lives with this parents in Akron, Ohio (but not in the basement!). His father owns Akron's premier curio and antique shop, Bongs and Hashpipes, while his mother works as a cocktail executive at the exclusive Club Platinum. Having taught himself to read with his father's collection of Richie Rich, Hot Stuff, and Little Lotta comic books by the age of two, his parents recognized his precociousness and soon introduced him to the many pleasures of R-rated cinema, knowing that even at such a tender age, he was mature enough to appreciate such adult entertainment. By the age of 12, he had amassed a collection of thousands of films for his Sony Betamax, and had a collection of over 10,000 comic books, many of them not Richie Rich or Little Lotta! As well, his collection of toys, action figures, maquettes, movie posters, and memorabilia had expanded so massively that they threatened to overwhelm their cozy home. According to Mr. Roeper's self-published autobiography, Iggy Knows It All, his matchless knowledge of all things film and entertainment quickly garnered him a reputation, and he often found himself being visited, and even consulted on script and movies, by numerous Hollywood professionals, who gave him the well-deserved title: King Geek. He flatly denies that the name was in fact given to him by his fellow students at Jennings Middle School as they punched him in the head and threw him in the dumpster after he'd brought his entire collection of Sailor Moon figurines to school as part of a "multimedia" report on the country of Japan. While he admits things have been a little difficult for King Geek since he lost his job at the Chapel Hill Mall Blockbuster video in 2002, he's finally found a home at FilmGoblin, and looks forward to once again telling aspiring geeks, and his loyal fans, what to think and how to feel about the movies and TV shows that bring us all together. And he totally does not live in the basement. He has both a room and an office on the 3rd floor of his parents' house. Take that, haters!