You’ve got the Star Wars “Skywalker” Saga trilogy without Skywalker. The Star Wars Story one-off films that are pure nostalgia-porn spectacles. An unknown Rian Johnson trilogy which I’m sure will be so “subversive” that the FISA court has already greenlit a wiretap on his cell phone. Not enough for you yet? In need of ATSTs that bad?

Do you even Kyber Crystal, bro?

Here We Go Again

Well in case you’re dying for more great marketing ideas like Porgs and Captain Phasma, the writer/producer team behind the HBO smash Game Of Thrones is being ushered into this new “big tent” Star Wars universe to give their own take on it.

From CNN:

Game of Thrones” creators David Benioff and D.B. Weiss are pivoting from dragonglass to lightsabers.

Benioff and Weiss are going to write and produce a new series of “Star Wars” films, Disney and Lucasfilm announced Tuesday.

“David and Dan are some of the best storytellers working today,” Kathleen Kennedy, president of Lucasfilm, said in a statement. “Their command of complex characters, depth of story and richness of mythology will break new ground and boldly push Star Wars in ways I find incredibly exciting.”

I guess it’s time for every shill web site in the galaxy to scramble to their keyboard, find the first images that come up when they search “star wars game of thrones mash up” and tell us how this is the equivalent of Festival of the Mother, Republic VE Day and Life Day all rolled up into one. They can drop some stuff about The Iron Throne, “You know nothing, Jen Erso” and – of course – “Force lightning is coming!”

Me? I know what holiday I’m looking forward to — fucking Ragnarok.

Vader On The Iron Throne
“What is thy bidness, my mistress?”

You Get A Trilogy And You Get A Trilogy And –

At this point maybe they should just have Oprah give her entire audience their own trilogy. That would be good cross-promotion. I hear there are still some hold-outs in the females 35-54 demo that aren’t buying their kids Death Star waffle irons or putting Yoda costumes on their cats. And also toddlers. We need a baby in Star Wars.

Does this sound cynical? Well, it’s not.

Game Of Thrones started out as a fantastic show. I mean, you got swordplay, black magic, dragons (the hint of dragons), incest and whores, whores, whores!, right there on your TV every Sunday. And not on SyFy either. It was a legitimately well-written, well-acted and well-produced A-list show that brought a gravitas to fantasy that had been hither-to lacking. Lord of The Rings is great but Game of Thrones brought the genre mainstream.

To be honest, production quality and attention to detail were so high that for three seasons I thought the “Weiss” in the credits for Game of Thrones was Margaret Weis, the creator of the Dragonlance series of books. I should have been so lucky. Things might have worked themselves out with an actual author running the show.

Instead these TV creatures people ran out of books and the show began to change into something… unnatural.

#Stronk Is Coming

Game of Thrones started to get “stretched” in a similar manner to The Walking Dead. Storylines dragged. Episodes became devoted to pointless side-quests. It just wasn’t as satisfying anymore without the singularity of purpose that G.R.R. Martin brought to the table.

Like Disney Wars, once it lost its creator, Game Of Thrones essentially became fan fiction, where anything is possible and it’s up to a story group or a writer’s room. Well, the problem with a group or a room is that there is no vision, it’s a bunch of people with their own ideas and they all get their own piece of the skein to weave.

I think this is the reason why, beyond mere cynical marketing, that female characters and storylines have been brought to the fore. Just as with Star Wars, the people writing it are women. What started out as a show with two women leads became stacked with female characters to the point where I think there is one central male character left. Is that right? That art school dropout with the wispy beard?

And if I recall correctly wasn’t their some nod to social-activism in last season Game Of Thrones? Something about “that pronoun has no gender in Valerian”?

This is just what this new Star Wars needs. There aren’t enough female characters in Star Wars right now. Five primary and secondary women in The Last Jedi was not equality. The people have spoken by clearly rejecting that misogynistic offering! There is an obvious niche can be filled and exploited. I’m telling you, Kathleen… this audience is untapped!

Before you come after me and say “You’re afraid of stronk women, you virgin!” or call me a sexist, answer this: was it sexist for women to complain about not enough women in Star Wars? Or Game Of Thrones?

No? So why is it sexist for me to point out that there aren’t that many men in either of those franchises anymore? Of course, they are there but they aren’t the primary focus of the story, or even sharing equal screen time.

The men have been replaced.

And that’s really the point: this is women pushing into male spaces instead of creating their own, then crying victim when someone points out “Hey, where did all my bros go?”

Tell me, is this sexist?

By the hooves of Wakan Tanka, this woman looks as if she’s been raised from the dead. Skin leathery and taunt as a drum. The Lich Queen of Marinmar! SUFFER MORTALS!

But I digress… so if girls can’t identify with Luke Skywalker how can I identify with Briane of Tarth or The Mother of Dragons?

Basically they are saying they don’t give a fuck who you can identify with and expect you to watch anyway because they know, if you notice things like this, then you’ll be branded a heretic and cast out into the cold world of involuntary celibacy. And probably lose your job.

Pot meet kettle. Cake also eaten. Good for me, not for thee.

Am I cynical? Nope. I woke up. Why don’t you?