Well here it is at last true believers, the film adaption of Jungle Cruise, the badly outdated Disneyland ride, finally has a trailer.
Before I get into an honest and objective presentation of the details, I would like to draw your attention to an incident from a few weeks ago. The actual Jungle Cruise ride in Disneyland broke down and sunk, leaving the passengers about knee-deep in fetid water.
Why Do You Pick On Disney So?
Because every reason and that’s good enough for now. This blunder has been called a lot of things such as a good example of why no one should ever go to Disney parks, a sign that Disney’s cutting corners to keep the majority shareholders in legal defense funds and private mercenary armies for one more quarter at least!
But perhaps most pathetic is a guerilla marketing gimmick which makes sense given the relevance this ride has considering it’s up against, well, any ride made in the last 50 years.
Never mind the fact Disney is shamelessly committing to milking every existing property it has that that has ever turned a profit.
But don’t let me deter you fine folks, friends, readers, and filmgoers. Make what impressions you will from the official poop:
Jungle Cruise is based on Disneyland’s theme park ride where a tramp steamer named Frank (Johnson) takes a pair of scientist siblings (Blunt, Whitehall) down the Amazon River in search of a tree with miraculous healing properties while evading a rival German expedition.
Who’s The True Talent Here?
The film stars Dwayne Johnson, Emily Blunt, Jessie Plemons, Paul Giamatti, Edgar Ramirez and Jack Whitehall.
Director Jaume Collet-Serra has shown a steady hand in the horror genre (Orphan, House of Wax) that didn’t rely on solely action, but he also made the Blake Lively shark movie The Shallows, which had a lot of ridiculous action and was pretty okay despite it’s lead ‘actor’. Collet-Serra has also been also tagged to helm 2021’s Black Adam.
An interestingly eclectic writing crew including Glenn Ficarra & John Requa (Smallfoot, Bad Santa 1 & 2, I Love you Philip Morris) and Michael Green (Logan, Blade Runner 2049, Alien: Covenant).
A pretty pedestrian story about a tree providing a cure-all that will undoubtedly be revealed in be better plunged in such fine films as Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid and, if you hate trees, Ferngully.
Based on the time period and the inclusion of German’s I’m assuming it’ll involve Nazi’s at some point.
I also can’t help but wonder if any of Disney’s brass plated stooges watched all of the directors and writing staff’s previous work, but the talent there is a pleasant surprise. I’m pretty sure they’ve forgone any real creative input in lieu of easy paychecks and sweet deals down the line.
Buy the ticket, take the ride. Jungle Cruise sets sail July 24th.
