No one you know was screaming out for a Sonic the Hedgehog movie, but apparently, Internet-powerful Goblins, that’s what you’re getting.

…wait for it…WAIT FOR IT…

Starring Jim Carrey—sporting an insipid Snidley Whiplash mustache—James Marsden and directed by a fellow named Jeff Fowler, apparently, this Sonic’s character design isn’t a “blight on humanity” as a trade writer about anime and manga called it earlier this year in a fit of rage.

I don’t know. Check out the embed below:


By the way, I watched it with the sound off, just for kicks before writing this.

I think that says it all.

Plowing ahead…

The Internet Redesigned the Character Not the Story

The only thing really interesting about a video game character being inserted into a real-life story is the number of times it’s been done–and been atrociously done. See Detective Pikachu for a recent example of this type of needless abomination.

Or that Will Smith Genie in Aladdin.

Apparently, being “designed this way” only works with humans and not CGI generated fake video game characters.

But apparently, the Internet rose up in righteous indignation after the original trailer and character designs for Sonic were widely panned and Paramount listened—I’m stunned—and went back and redesigned the CGI character to address fan “dislikes” as expressed through YouTube channel downvotes.

The lesson here Goblins is simple: The next “JJ Trek” Paramount releases, get on that downvote button on YouTube when the trailer drops and see if you can get Kid Shatner and his crew demoted back to spacedock.

This Continues to Look Painful

The problem is, the story looks formulaic and boring, and by reading through the summary from the trades, it looks like I’m right:

You’ll get a sequel specifically designed with the Asian market in mind, don’t you worry buddy.

Tom Wachowski, is a San Francisco Police Department officer-turned-newly appointed Sheriff of Green Hills, Montana. Tom journeys from Green Hills to San Francisco to assist Sonic, an extraterrestrial, anthropomorphic blue hedgehog who can run at incredible speeds and other powers that are wanted by villains from his world. Sonic must also evade capture by the government after accidentally creating a massive power outage due to his powers, collecting his rings, and defeating the insane scientist Doctor Robotnik who intends to use Sonic’s powers to rule the world. 

For the win.

Against a budget of $90 million dollars, not counting reshoots, I predict this thing will pull in $250 million worldwide, particularly in Asian markets where the Sonic brand still rings out, where Sega is still revered by retro gamers, and where governments crackdown on any information that reveals the “average” person might have control over a hierarchy.

By the way, this will come in at $100 million dollars Stateside with a proto-Hallmark holiday release date, because all those downvoting fans won’t equal cash in hand for Paramount.

But I could be wrong.

Sonic the Hedgehog, another pointless video game character inserted into James Marsden’s world, premiers on February 14, 2020, at a local cineplex near you. Happy Valentines’ Day.