So It’s Come To This
On Christmas Day, Wonder Woman 84 will become the first blockbuster movie to debut simultaneously in theaters and on streaming.
This will mark the end of movies as we know them.
Or maybe nothing will happen. Warner claims moving all of their 2020 movies to same-day streaming release is a unique scenario and they will be back to a theatrical-first model as soon as COVID-19 goes away.
Except the coof ain’t going away.
This crisis is very good for three of the four estates: the nobility, the clergy and the press. It’s only bad for us, the least influential of all estates, the commoners.
Will our masters just relinquish their new-found powers and profits?
Doubtful. But at least we will be entertained.
Talk-To-Text Reactions
Nice foreboding music with the logo. Don’t get the treatment though, not very 80s.
Oh, with the little girl.
This is clever.
They know their audience: this video, when seen by millions of moms, will be responsible for hundreds of thousands of streams. After all, “little girls need to have…” Yeah, yeah. This not for me but, still, it’s smart.
What’s the difference between smart and exploitive? Is it just a subjective emotional reaction? Yes.
But my emotional reaction is based on director Patty Jenkins not being a total screeching harpy, and that goes a long fucking way with me.
I have respect for her work and public persona, therefore, she’s smart.
A little foreshadowing.
Except we’ve already seen Diana riding the lightning in the trailers. Nothing fresh.
More tricks from the Sappho Maximus.
Wait a minute, are these women all lesbians?
I’ve never actually thought about this before. I guess that’s another testament to Jenkins’ ability to avoid identity politics and just try to get asses in seats.
How do they make more women? Do they spontaneously sprout like Athena?
That image is… moist.
Are these, like, the femme lesbians?
Amazonians of Color?
It looks like 6 out of 8 warriors are non-Hu-Wite.
Did they actually earn their spot on the first team? Which brave Hu-Wite lesbian warrior was denied her right to compete because of this Amazonian affirmative action?
I don’t know who is oppressing who here.
Da, malen’kiy Natasha.
She’s got a Russian accent. Will she be the villain in the next movie?
Yes, she can.
Your daughter is just as capable as any adult lesbian.
I’ve been over this before. Despite the lack of historical examples, lazy Hollywood has simply made female heroes the same as male heroes.
They punch, kick and smash like men. Until now, women have always served as the civilizing force in civilization. Will there be consequences from green-lighting traditionally male behavior in females?
Don’t know, maybe ask the child of a single mother. Will explore later.
Wew.
That Whedon pop culture “comedy” shit. What Ya Boi Zack calls Uncomfortable White People Humor. Not a good taste to leave in my mouth but — again — I’m not the audience here.
Speaking of a good taste in my mouth:
11/10, Would Eat Like a Peach
You really want to make this movie a blowout, world-changing streaming hit? Forget the moms and little girls, you got them already.
I mean, call me a crazy, alcoholic shut-in but:
- For nine months, Men of The West have been locked out of the places where we’d normally go to mingle with women.
- This is the hottest woman on the planet.
Warner Bros, do I need to draw you a picture?
How about you drop some ads with Gal flouncing around while she describes the plot, like Amber Heard did for Aquaman.
Or cut a trailer with her most sexy Wonder Woman moments.
I guarantee it will make more money than Mulan.
Gal, on Christmas Day I will be there for you in the theater.
Shortly after, faithful reader, I’ll be here with my review for you.
