The founder of Atari, Nolan Bushnell, was recently set to be honored for his lifetime of achievements at the Games Developer Conference until as Married…With Children would say, “some woman in Michigan didn’t like it.”
Ya see, back in the day, old Nolan was known to do truly despicable things.
Was he the most powerful man in the world who had oral sex with an intern? Did he spike women’s drinks with roofies and then take sexual advantage of them? Or did he do the most egregious act of all and claim to grab a woman’s cat?
Nay, his acts were worse than 1,000 Weinstens!
It has come to light that back in the 70s and 80s, Bushnell would host meetings in hot-tubs (possibly topless) and codename projects after attractive women in the office.
I’ll give you a minute to light your torches and sharpen your pitchforks…
I know… I know… the fact this man is allowed to freely walk the streets, possibly forcing more women to relax in comfort while earning a decent salary, let alone being considered for an honor by an institute most people have never heard of is worse than all the GamerGates in the history of womyn kind.
In honor of the fierce decision by the GDC to rescind this award, I now present a sampling of some of the most woke Atari games of all time. Developed by a little company called Mystique, this company dared to stand up to the brutal and toxic masculinity Bushnell was pushing across all walks of life.
Beat ‘Em & Eat ‘EM
This game showcases how the patriarchy towers over women. The player controls two oppressed womynz who must stop the Man, symbolized by a dude whose body is a giant dick.
As the Man beats off onto the street below, the player must stop his ejaculate from reaching the ground below, ensuring it will continue to corrupt the earth with its Man-ness.
Unfortunately, the womynz have been stripped, literally, of anything they could catch it with, except for their wide, gaping mouths. The player moves the heroes in tandem across the screen to catch every aching drop. Miss too many drops, and the world is doomed to another millennia of technological innovations and prosperity. Catch enough, and the womynz will smile, licking their lips, content in the knowledge they have just ushered in a change where a positive body image means its OK to eat an entire carton of cookies, as long as it’s blamed on one’s menses.
The spiritual sequel to Beat ‘EM & Eat ‘EM, this game flips the script. Now the player controls two men who appear to be wearing prison jumpsuits. Hopefully, they were arrested for the crime of being born a straight, white male.
Apparently, it is feeding time in prison, and the only sustenance these criminals are allowed is the sour milk of a witch’s tit. Again, if the player misses too many drops, it’s game over, ideally through castration. If the player is able to drink enough drops in a round, the men revert to their primal urges of jacking off; their tears of never seeing their Phallic Masculinity plague the world again being their sole source of lubricant.
Serving as a history lesson, the player takes control of a nude General Custer, save for his hat, boots, and neckerchief, as he dodges the arrows to reach the naked squaw tied to a cactus at the other end of the screen. Despite having what appears to be a John Holmes level of endowment, Custer is able to maintain a full erection which he uses to plow the captured lady.
This game was truly ahead of its time, allowing players to take control of a would be predator. Sure, the General is able to have his fun, but sooner or later an arrow will pierce him right in his bony old behind, causing him to literally jump out of his boots. These arrows symbolize the coming storm of womyn in pink hats neglecting their children to go out and march for a cause that people today are still not entirely clear on.
Mystique was a company truly ahead of its time. One that dared to stand up to the powers at be in order to suck all of the poisonous venom from the cobra that choked many womyn unprepared for such an encounter. Sadly, the company would not survive the Video Game Crash of 1983 and the rights to these games were sold.
If it were not for this industrious, pioneering company, though, figures like Nolan Bushnell would be allowed to collect meaningless accolades that would otherwise have gone unnoticed. Thankfully, we live in a time where the standards of today are retroactively applied to previous generations.