Folk troubadour James Taylor…oh, wait…Taylor James stars as Samson in Samson, the mighty biblical warrior who must free his people and do battle with (literal, not figurative) Philistines.

Caitlin Leahy plays Delilah, in what was once a very non-woke misogynist character, the false lover who betrays him and takes away his powers. This will almost certainly subvert our expectations in ways that would rival a Rian Johnson camping trip.

When you wake up in your tent with your underwear on backwards just roll with it, because everything unexpected is great! In what ways will Delilah be revealed as the true hero?

We can only speculate and wait until February 16, 2018!

Taylor James brings Fire & Rain in Samson
Taylor James brings Fire & Rain in Samson

Also present here is Rutger Fucking Hauer! Are you kidding me? Why isn’t he the star?

Consider this: Hebrew With A Shotgun! A scraggled Hauer wanders the desert, taking vengeance upon the wicked with his trusty boomstick (which he invented himself) and righteous justice by his side.

Young Jesus is his teen partner – played by Alden Ehrenreich – who helps him get out of tight scrapes. Didn’t you always wonder what Jesus was doing during that untold part of his life? How did he get the beard? When did he learn that cool fish & loaves thing?

Now we will know! Screenplay forthcoming.

Rutger Hauer's badass self in Samson
Rutger Hauer’s badass self in Samson

After the abject failure of that Ben-Hur remake, I can’t believe studios are willing to go into this territory again so soon. Sure, there are some cool tales in the bible to be told onscreen, but is modern Hollywood really equipped to do that properly and/or respectfully?

Moreover, how could this even begin to compare with that cool late-release NES game Little Samson which achieves that mythic combination of being rare/sought-after and awesome to play? I think I’d rather see some studio adapt that to the big screen.