Or Everything I Loved In Cinema Has Been Abducted and Brutally Murdered

First of all, I preface this article by saying this weekend I watched one of the single greatest films I’ve seen certainly in many years in Once Upon A Time in Hollywood.

It is a masterpiece, please go see it.

But unfortunately… every last mythical genre franchise I’ve loved from Star Wars to Star Trek to the MCU  has been forcibly infected with aggressive malignant cancer, casually slaughtered and then tossed into a shallow grave to rot.

In an effort to offend the rich histories of the fallen, The graves weren’t even covered. They were left open as a sign of disrespect and so they could be pissed and shit on, perhaps become bait for necrophiliacs and defiled even further — desecrated in ghoulish ways the Japanese couldn’t even dream up at Nanking. 

Farewell Star Trek, Star Wars, Game of Thrones, DCEU, Hobbitdom, James Bond and now shockingly, the MCU. I loved you all dearly, some more than others but all passionately.

The Final Generation

To me, Star Trek died a proper death in 1991 with the release of Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country. Yet it went out with dignity and integrity and thankfully for us as a love letter and high note. It didn’t so much die I suppose but like an old soldier, it faded away — forever dear to our hearts.

For the next ten years, there were various high and low points involving the Next Generation era. High in Deep Space 9, low in Star Trek Voyager, various levels of blah and mediocre in Enterprise and the mixed bag of theatrical releases. 

Shocking, a proper, truly respectful ending. What a ride!

Then came the Kelvin timeline: the first one was incoherent, popcorn fun, the rest raw, stupid, sewage. JJ tried to murder and steal the identity of Star Trek by turning it into Star Wars, but perhaps because of the fantastically rich history of Star Trek, he couldn’t even get that job done. 

No one was ever going to buy into Chris Pine as Captain Kirk when William Shatner’s charisma and manliness dwarfed that living block of wood. JJ tried to wipe history clean but only succeeded in reigniting the unbridled love for TOS. Which sadly, led to Star Trek‘s true BTK-style, murder-death-kill in the form of CBS All Access’s Star Trek: Discovery.

Now I am become death, destroyer of franchises 

When it was announced that that the talented (at the time) Brian Fuller would be the showrunner and that the Mario Puzo of Star Trek, Nicholas Meyer, was on the writing team, even the most cynical Trekkies were optimistic for something special.

What we got was a savage, dry cornholing and complete reimagining of The TOS era of Star Trek.  Everything from the beautifully functional and iconic ship designs of Matt Jeffries, which were replaced by angular, ugly monstrosities that belonged in a Bay Transformers, to the purple, giant-headed California Raisin Klingons.

Worst of all it had all the earmarks of JJ’s talentless hack cronies like Kurtzman: zero cogent storytelling with an unlikeable main character with no empathy to the point of being a sociopath who actually goes on to be celebrated for committing treason, getting her captain and crew murdered, igniting an avoidable interstellar war, freeing an intergalactic space Hitler Empress from the mirror universe because of race, grrrl power and “social justice” — Yay!

It was later revealed that the legendary talent Nicholas Meyer had zero involvement and was only a prop figurehead to placate those dumb fans who gave so much of themselves to their beloved franchise. Piss on them, eh?

I could go on but we’ve discussed it ad nauseam. Only the ancillary characters like Doug Jones’ Saru and Anthony Rapp brought the spirit and charisma of TOS to bear.

Like all of these failed mega franchises, the Hollywood media cabal spun it as a runaway success and that anyone who questioned the real financial impact, disliked it, or questioned its execution must be a racist, or woman-hater or both.

Which is why they quietly rebooted the entire show in the second season, pushed the main unlikable character to the background and brought in Captain Pike, Spock and the USS Enterprise as the actual stars of the second season.

What they didn’t plan on is it taking — *gasp* — an iconic, privileged white male character in Pike to right the ship and his stealing the show to the point of a public groundswell demanding further adventures of Pike’s Enterprise in lieu of further Discovery episodes.

And thus, other than a possible guest appearance, there is no plan to expound on the tremendous success that the adventures of Pike and the Enterprise brought to the show or could bring. Meaning no Star Trek: Pike series. After all, a more popular Pike series would prove the folly of Discovery’s social justice theme, failed lead character, the reckless folly of the production staff and the show’s egregious shortcomings. 

I’ll miss you most, but I’ll always have 79 episodes and 6 movies to watch again and again.

Staking The Vampire Star Wars Franchise

In fairness, Star Wars has been dead since the first awful prequel came out 20 years ago.

George Lucas starjacked, tortured and executed the franchise first, not Kathleen Kennedy’s or dicknose  JJ “Yes ma’am” Abrams.

It was Lucas, a man who notoriously loathed working with actors or being reigned in by level-headed creative peers, who finally had the technology to make the Star Wars he always wanted and without the presence of what he perceived to be the problem — the actors — to diminish his vision.

He could have continued the trilogy just a decade after Jedi, while the cast was still relatively young and with the fantastic Timothy Zahn source material which would have presented a springboard to a whole new generation of heroes and villains but at the same time firmly planting our heroes at the center of the saga.

What could have been…

Instead, we got Midchlorians, Jar Jar, terrifically shitty acting from great actors, comically bad greenscreen instead of those inventive, practical sets and horrifically shitty stories. We got what a George wanted and in 1999 he killed what we loved.

R.I.P. the world’s most beloved genre franchise

And yet, because of its sheer magnitude and the gullibility of its nerddom, we were all led to believe two saviors in the form of J.J. Abrams and Disney would resurrect it from the shallow grave Lucas tossed it in. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, it would live again with Han, Luke, Chewie and Leia!

And best of all, JJ wasn’t a corporate whore, he was a lifelong Star Wars fan. He lived and breathed it and Star Wars is the reason he got into this business. Just listen to him!

Then he trotted out a cracked out Carrie Fisher, fat raspy-smoker-voice Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford looking plucky but frail, essentially as props along with the two seconds of screen time for Chewie, R2 and 3PO. First, to pander to gullible suckers and then to destroy the beloved pure characters we remembered with aged, cynical, distorted, shattered-mirror versions. And then he and Kathleen Kennedy killed it, more viscously than even Lucas did the first time. Star Wars died twice.

Almost everyone bought in, everyone but me.

I had this sleazebag figured out after he ruined Star Trek. A talentless, popcorn mimic able to copy the style of Spielberg and Lucas without the heart, coherent thought, emotional investment or stakes. An 80s sci-fi director impersonator at best. A plagiarizing douche with an inherent psychological disorder to destroy and mock the mythos that he grew up with. At worst, a corporate manbaby with the keys to the kingdom and a will to destroy all he claims to cherish… because he can.

R.I.P. Star Wars, your light shone so brightly for millions only to be extinguished too soon. 

“Fuck R2, I made my only shinier copy that I get all the royalties from, lol.”

Marvel Cinematic Wokeverse

And then there was the MCU. Perhaps the most shocking murder by cornholing of all. This one was self-inflicted and done by the same very brilliant people that carefully crafted the impossible — an extended universe American mythos that surpassed even Star Wars in love, goodwill, box office and iconic status.

What Feige has now done is like Rocky dropping Drago and then pulling out a gun and blowing his own brains out in the middle of the ring.

Farewell sweet prince, gone far too soon

For what possible fucking reason would the powers behind this juggernaut completely gut and brutally buttfuck the entire No Brainer, Success Machine that is MCU and start anew with a completely social justice slate? They just broke the all-time box office record, the crest of goodwill is tangible and beyond electric.

Why? Is it politics?

Is the Democratic Party, the crybully callout culture, Hollywood and their Chinese moneymen masters so intertwined that even the guarantee of many more billions of dollars can be tossed into the toilet for the greater good of promoting Marxist, progressive ideology?

I can’t think of any other possible reason, tin foil? Maybe a little but what else could it be?

Certainly putting an aging Downey out to pasture doesn’t mean scrapping the entire team, philosophy, game plan and business model? Ever hear of drafting and grooming a new quarterback and integrating him into the program to continue winning titles?

That’s what winning sports franchises do. You integrate new stars as the old heroes fade away. If the team continues to win championships you don’t scrap the team. You do that when they begin to become a losing franchise. Brett Farve to Aaron Rodgers, Drew Bledsoe to Tom Brady and the championships keep coming. Marvel blew up a young championship team, just hitting its stride, deep in talent and only needing a new playcaller to continue winning.

This seems to be a definition of self-harming insanity or more accurately political, Saul Alinsky-like, progressive anarchy. Read your history, it’s all there.

Chained by Commies or made fat, mocked and depowered by Hollywood socialists, it’s the same outcome

The Crimes Against Canon Are Endless

Of course, there were more kidnappings and murders along the way. Bond has been dead since Goldeneye and, in my opinion, really since Dalton’s last outing.

Game of Thrones started with great promise and was mauled and prison-raped horrifically about halfway through the series — around the time Martin ran out of a zest or actual ability to write, after all, endless alleged encounters involving transexual hookers and pills are probably more fun than buckling down and seeing through an artistic vision — and continued with the murder/rape through the diarrhea finale.

We won’t even address the festering DCEU, the headshot Peter Jackson delivered to his own magnificent Lord of the Rings trilogy with his subpar Hobbit trilogy cash grab.

If you’ve seen Threads or The Day After genre entertainment it’s pretty much like that: smoldering grey landscapes of burnt iconic corpses. There lies Han Solo, Indy, Aragorn, Superman, Batman, Tony Stark, Fat Thor, Captain James T. Kirk, Spock and McCoy, 007 and Lord Vader, the charred wrecks of the Millenium Falcon, Enterprise and the Death Star.

All our beloved friends. We salute you in your ignominious undignified deaths.

We loved you, we will always love you and you will never truly be dead, as long as we remember you.

Live Long and Prosper and May The Force be with you.

Second star to the right, and straight on til morning