As the resident strong opinioned female here on FilmGoblin, I took the task of judging this year’s Oscar fashion. You guys should know I know a lot about fashion. I rock scrubs at work (Cherokee three pocket scrub top , with boot cut drawstring pants in one solid color) with comic book themed T-shirts under my scrub top, and bright teal Chuck Taylor low-top Conserve sneakers. Because fashion.

And I live in my PJs on my days off… because matching clothes is hard.

In 100% seriousness all these opinions are my own, I’m not trying to be mean just to be mean. I think we need to be honest in the context that this is fashion and we shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously. These are clothes to cover our private parts. And these are wealthy people living fantasy lives. I found these pictures online. They’re from the Oscar Red Carpet and the Vanity Fair Oscar Party.

So let’s get this started:

Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudekis

Jason looks like every sketchy philosophy professor in every college movie.

Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor

Aw. It’s really sweet that Sarah brought her grandma to the Oscars after party.

Zooey Deschanel

If I were to ever go to the Oscars, or any after party, this is what I’d probably be wearing. This is Knittingknerd at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party.

Miles Teller and Keleigh Sperry

Do you think he is telling himself if he stands up extra straight it’ll make him look straight? The way this picture is shot it looks like Keleigh (which I’m coming back to that name here in a second) is a cardboard cutout, and Miles has to hold the cutout just right to make her look like a real girl. And I hate names like Keleigh, because it’s fake/unique spelling of a name that means I have to look up the spelling. No. Dislike.

Emma Roberts and Evan Peters

Fun fact: these two are engaged. They’ve also called the police on each other multiple times for domestic violence. Still engaged. They are unable to take pictures together on the Red Carpet.

Russell Wilson and Ciara

Wilson is a legendary quarterback (go Seahawks!), but this is the best thing he can catch off the field. Her clothes don’t fit. And why are they even here? Doesn’t he need to train for next season?

Rashida Jones

Wearing my maxi dress from my Panama Canal cruise. She’s rocking cruise casual.

Ava DuVernay

I love this outfit and look. She looks stunning. No snark. This is classy.

Kobe Bryant and Rob Liefield

Even at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party, the Deadpool creator refuses to show feet.

Gal Gadot

Proving she’s a Wonder Woman in action movies and on the red carpet, but she looks flapper chic and lacks the Amazonian figure she had in Wonder Woman.

Timothee Chalamet

Kid was in Lady Bird (where he had like 6 lovers) and that movie with the peach. We are supposed to believe this guy has charm and game… and he shows up to the Oscars in an ill-fitting white tux. Show some class, wear a black tux like a grown up.

Allison Janney

Funny tall lady looking like the six foot tall queen she is. I love this outfit and I love that she wore heels!

Rita Moreno

She wore the same dress she wore when she won her Oscar in West Side Story. Good for her!

Lin-Manuel Miranda

Pair of tickets to see the touring cast of Hamilton (horrible seats, mind you) in Seattle is $1500. This man is walking into the Oscars with the swagger of a bastard, orphan-son of a whore… in Raybans and a dad haircut.

For Jr.

Kelly Marie Tran

This one is for my favorite “at-risk” youth, eBob Junior. Kelly Marie Tran proves a really shitty haircut changes everything. Here she doesn’t have tulip haircut mixed with Farrah Fawcett hair. She shows off her figure (empowerment aside, she has a nice figure).

That’s my fashion roundup.

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Knittingknerd has been with Film Goblin long before it had even entered our darkest dreams. Nurse. Animal lover. Pie master. Pork smoker. Liberal. Drumph resistor. Local TV star. Knitter. Nerd. KK is /ourgirl/.