In this column, I will Rush To Judge a movie I have yet to see. I will do this solely based on trailers, media articles, and my own biased speculation.  Today we have Marvel’s Black Panther, set to release on February 16, 2018.

Black Panther One-Sheet

It stars Chadwick Boseman as Black Panther, Andy Serkis as Klaw, and apparently a lot of strong, independent black women.

Now I know nothing of the particulars of Black Panther, never read the comic and never cared to, but I was impressed by the character in Captain America: Civil War.

It seems like Marvel is putting some effort into this movie and want it to be a big hit.

Here is the trailer:

My Take

So this looks to be a cross between Thor, Iron Man and Coming To America.

If that is the case then it might turn out to be an effective combination of science, action, magic, and sexual chocolate.  A recipe that Marvel has been perfecting to create a perfectly entertaining, if somewhat predictable, formula.

To my overly judgmental eye, this looks to be just another typical Marvel origin story but with 75% more swagger.

A powerful hero who is at odds with the expectations put upon him and then has to fight the bad guy in the same armor.  But the bad guy’s armor is a different color, just in case you are an idiot and couldn’t tell the difference between the two.

A Movie With A Message

Further, I am sure this movie will be 20 minutes too long, like every other movie I have seen in the last three years.

Is it that hard to have a tight and concise story arc in under two hours nowadays?

It also looks like the social justice pandering has been turned up to 11. I am seeing enough of the strong, women of color articles floating around to already guess this movie’s message:

Here and here.

At the very least, most Marvel movies have left me mildly entertained. That’s probably because I wait until they show up on Netflix to see them.  I stopped paying theater prices to see these movies after Guardians of the Galaxy.

From what I have seen so far it looks to me as if Black Panther will be no different than the previous Marvel entries; just another run of the mill origin story but with a social conscience.  I do think Chadwick Boseman will become a big Marvel star and expect to see him on a Big Gulp cup shortly.

Don’t be surprised if this gets an Oscar nod for “Most Woke Movie of the Year”.

My Verdict:

Anyone who gives this a bad review will be tried at Nuremberg.

92 COMMENTS

  1. Love it. Any asshole review site can review movies they’ve seen. THIS asshole review site reviews movies we HAVEN’T seen!

  2. Ok, I’ve only read the first paragraph, but I had to skip down to the comments just to say that the concept and title of this column is bloody brilliant! Ok back to reading!

  3. The reviews for this one are going to be Ghostbusters 2016 level of gushing. But I predict this one might actually be good. 100% RT score guaranteed

  4. Great article. Looking forward to more. And, as a bonus, you attached the correct poster. Not some fan made shit. It’s this kind of professionalism you expect from a website. Right?

  5. “If that is the case then it might turn out to be an effective combination of science, action, magic, and sexual chocolate”

    What a fantastic sentence. Bravo sir!

    Oh & yeah, I think this film looks fucking horrible. To be fair, what grates my ‘nads the most is the inevitable surge of Twitter twats lining up to proclaim how ‘refreshing’/’overdue’/’important’ the film is…

  6. I bust out laughing every time I scroll past this article on the home page.

    Holy shit… this is a great concept…

  7. If you can’t even write it right, then your pre-review ain’t worth the beany gas I just passed. It’s “Sekshul Choklit”! smgdh

  8. I just wanna throw in my two cents of pre judgement and say that I hope they’re gonna work a bit more on the large scale CGI, and with… with greenscreen still is it?

  9. The scene in the preview where BP jumps from one car to another while the car behind him starts to roll towards him looks like it was modded from any Spider-Man movie we’ve already seen. Normally black superheroes don’t interest me at all but I’m hoping since it’s in Africa we might get some National Geographic style nudity!

  10. Is this the only Marvel character named for his race/skin color?

    There’s no White Ironman. Or Green Hulk. There is Green Lantern, but the guy isn’t green.

    #marvelsoracist

  11. The Wakandans live a life of luxury in a high tech futuristic Utopia while the rest of the continent suffers droughts, famine, disease, starvation, civil wars, brutal dictatorships and soul crushing poverty. Kind of makes them assholes.

  12. Have to post out of sheer Hulk-like anger: The Hollywood Hype machine is spewing utter falsehoods about “Firsts” and the media is running with it in their most irritating, non-fact checking style. They should be saying this is the FIRST Black Superhero movie that has money behind it and that anyone gives a damn about.” (see Meteor Man and Steel) Just like they should have said last year about Wonder Woman: “This is the FIRST FEMALE SUPERHERO MOVIE that isn’t a cringeworthy shit fest like Supergirl and Catwoman!”

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