After Daniel Craig announced he was on board for one final go-around as 007, it ended the usual circus of every single British (and beyond) actor, who was roughly the right age, being linked with the role by insiders. Things were a bit quiet for a while in Bond town.
In the last few weeks they have kicked up a gear. On the director front, Christopher Nolan (Dunkirk) did the same thing he has done since 2006 by saying he’s not going to do it, but would love to in the future. Chris. Mate. Shit or get off the pot buddy!
Denis Villeneauve (Blade Runner 2049) flirted outrageously before commiting himself to his passion project of Dune. Yann Demange (Top Boy, Dead Set) was heavily tipped and now Danny Boyle (Sunshine, Trainspotting) is rumoured to be close to signing. Boyle and Craig already, “Did Bond” together when Boyle directed the London 2012 Olympics opening ceremony featuring 007 and the Queen skydiving into the stadium. Standard!
And as lazy, not very talented Showbiz reporters sober up long enough to realise it’s been a couple of years since we had a 007 movie in theatres, so the usual hilarious rumours start to swirl.
Never Say Bullshit Again
No other franchise collects quite the level of outrageous and patently false production rumours that the 007 series does. There is a reason for this. It’s easy! A dusty, old, unconnected and hilariously out of touch Showbiz reporter has a few column inches to fill? Not to worry, just pull a random Top 40 artist out of the air and write a hack piece on how a, “studio source” has confirmed to you that this artist will create the theme song. Beyoncé again is it? Like the last three times?
Short an exclusive because you have been hoovering top quality Colombian gack up your trumpet in the toilets at the Groucho club all day? No panic. Just read the back cover of the latest 007 continuation novel by some middling author and then regurgitate it. Swear blind that this is the plot of the latest movie and go back to destroying your septum one good sniff at a time.
If you really want to go for broke you can just lay out some absolute wank and claim it’s the title. Beyond The Ice ring any bells? It should, some lazy tabloid hack wheels it out every time.
Lie Another Day
The final lazy bastards go-to scoop for overly refreshed showbiz journalists has been deployed this weekend by the Daily Express in the UK.
Simply pick the latest hot young thing, and claim your sources and insiders tell you she is nailed on to be the next Bond girl. In this case, the Express claims Lily James (Cinderella, Baby Driver) is #1 contender for the part.
Next, add some clearly made up bollocks to pad out your story. Here the Express has done that by creating some spurious link between the 28-year-old starring opposite Gary Oldman’s Churchill in Darkest Hour, and a younger version of Meryl Streep’s character in Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again this summer, making her more likely to work with Danny Boyle.
So, there you have it. Look out for plenty of all of the above from the usual suspects in the entertainment media.
Bond 25 is currently planned for a November 2019 release, meaning we have at least another 8 months of this crap before actual facts come in to play. But rest assured, it won’t star Lily James, Beyoncé will not be singing the theme, and it won’t be called Beyond the Ice. It’s what my insiders and sources tell me anyways.
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