Netflix Movies & Sucking Badly

Name a more iconic duo. I’ll wait.

Can anyone think of a Netflix movie that:

  • You would ever pay for in a theater?
  • You would ever pay to own?
  • You would ever download and keep on your hard drive?
  • You will ever watch again?

I can’t.

But… But… Muh Scorsese!

I guess you could point to The Irishman, but any praise that film received is solely based on the director and cast getting together for one last CGI-enhanced ride. The Irishman has a pedestrian script with too many recycled situations and too much mundane dialogue. It’s not anything I care about or think about.

Which brings us to Mark Wahlberg’s first Netflix movie, Spenser Confidential.

Spenser  — an ex-cop better known for making trouble than solving it — just got out of prison and is leaving Boston for good. But first, he gets roped into helping his old boxing coach and mentor, Henry, with a promising amateur. That’s Hawk, a brash, no-nonsense MMA fighter convinced he’ll be a tougher opponent than Spenser ever was. When two of Spenser’s former colleagues turn up murdered, he recruits Hawk and his foul-mouthed ex-girlfriend, Cissy, to help him investigate and bring the culprits to justice.

He’s “no-nonsense”, guys. 

Yes, it’s based on the 1980s TV show Spenser For Hire

What an absolute waste of time, money and effort. I’m beginning to really hate Peter Berg and Mark Wahlberg for making pointless, stupid, paint-by-numbers movies like this.

You know what would have been better than having Spenser jumped in the prison library? Have them giving him a going away party with a cake and candles. That would be funny, that would be about character, that would have set a tone for the movie that wasn’t just completely idiotic Bayhem. 

Don’t watch Spenser Confidential. Don’t watch anything on Netflix. Starve the beast.

Instead, enjoy the real 1980s paired with an ice-cold Sisko: