Too Old To Begin The Training

Pokemon has been on my mind a lot this week. Not because of the new Detective Pikachu movie, but I assume ProJared used it as a gateway to groom his underage targets…allegedly…

There’s an assumption that Pokemon is meant for children, and for the most part I would agree with that sentiment. Although there is a generation of video game players out there who grew up enjoying the games, and who continue to enjoy them, it can’t be argued that Nintendo’s primary demographic for this franchise, by and large, is around 10 years old.

Shocking I Know

I’m not saying they should adjust the franchise to appeal to a wider audience, I’m just trying to show why I’ve never really taken to pocket monster fighting.

When Pokemon first released stateside, my balls had hair on them, but I wanted to see what the hype was about. I bought Pokemon Blue and enjoyed it well enough for about a week before trading it in towards some PS1 game no doubt.

That was the last title I ever bought new for the original Game Boy. My time was beginning to end.

A New Hope?

One type of game I usually tend to enjoy, no matter the platform, is Pinball. Even on the Intellivision Lives compilation disc, the pinball game is my standout favorite. Even the original NES Pinball holds up to a few playings every now and then.

Today’s Zen Pinball does an admirable job of keeping this medium alive, even while physical machines are on the decline.

If I had to pick my favorite pinball based video game, though, it would be Kirby’s Pinball Land on the Game Boy. The game packs three unique boards into the tiny package, each with their own boss.

Like A Well Worn Sweater

I don’t want to get too far into discussing this game, but if you are looking for a good pinball game on the go, pick this one up. 

With that in mind, a game that released years later on the Game Boy Color should be able to improve on it in every conceivable way, right?

Their Expressions Do Not Fill Me WIth Confidence


The major selling point of this game was the rumble feature that could be enabled by a AAA battery in the cartridge. Sadly, playing this game via an emulator, the rumble feature was unavailable to me. Not that I would play with it on anyway, as I see it more as a gimmick to entice children.

If you’ve played this game with the rumble, though, sound off in the comments below. (Yes, it did pain me to write that…)

The first thing I noticed about playing Pokemon Pinball is that instead of three boards, the player only has the option of two: either blue or red. Additionally, while Kirby’s Pinball Land had three sections to each board, the Pokemon ones have only two. It just gets worse from here.

Hey Look! A Cat

Pika Pika!

I’ll admit that I was older than I should have been when I realized there’s a way to play pinball games. I always assumed you aimed to get as high a score as you can before you ran out of balls. (Bout two of the biggest you ever seen, Dingleberry!) With that in mind, I have no fucking clue how to play these boards.

WTF Did I Just Do?

I know the point of the game is to collect all 150 Pokemon, plus Mew or something, but when I looked up the rules for how to make the Pokemon appear, it sounded more convoluted than a kids game should be.

Don’t get me started on how to make them evolve because I’m already close to slitting my wrists.

There are also boss fights to be had, but, again, it’s seemingly just more random happenstance than actual strategy to get to these.

You Got A Big Pussy…You Got A Big Pussy…

I did make it to the Meowth boss fight; however, this seems like a waste without Jessie’s hot bod there to distract.

You Couldn’t Wait Till I Was Done To Tell Me One Is A Dude?

In order to track how many of the Pokemon you have collected, a Pokdex is included. I’m sure that appeals to someone playing the game. I know the goal is to collect all 151 Pokemon, but since they can only be caught in certain regions, and it seems a little too random about how to access the regions on the board, it makes it not worth trying for me. If you’re going for playground bragging rights, though, have at it.

Charmander Here To Fuck Shit Up

My Penis So Small

Maybe it’s pure nostalgia talking, but Kirby’s Pinball Land offers a more enjoyable handheld pinball experience. I’m sure if you have a young one who only wants to experience the world through technology from no later than the year 2001, then they might find some enjoyment here.

Apparently, a sequel was made for the GameBoy Advance, and without having played it, I can assume it’s better than this one.

I’ve tried to like Pokemon, and I even had Pokemon GO downloaded on my phone for about half a day before deleting the app and destroying my phone with a hammer Tom Brady style. I’m at the point where I can respect what Pokemon means to the gaming community, and pop culture as a whole, but as for the games, I’d rather spend my time playing something that sparks joy in me.

It Sparks Something