I Disappoint

Man, I was actually looking forward to this movie.

As most loyal Film Goblin readers will know, when it comes to Mortal Kombat I’m like one of those virgins who’s always obsessing over sex.

I’ve never played the game, I think the first Mortal Kombat movie is complete garbage, but at the same time, I’m kind of fascinated with the lore and character design because the shit looks cool at heck.

Parenting tip: never hire a female mohal

So, what began as a passing curiosity in the 2021 version slowly grew into actual interest and then, with the casting of Hiroyuki Sanada as Scorpion, blossomed into something close to hope

Well, I’m here to tell you that the remake of Mortal Kombat hecking sucks.

What is Wrong With Hollywood?

Look, I didn’t watch this whole movie. 

In fact, I turned it off after about 45 minutes, so this is going to be real short, but even with my limited exposure I have some glaring issues with such a radioactive piece of cancer-causing film-making:

Why is the default character some guy with a kid and ex-wife?

Is this supposed to be a family movie?

Are 90s gamers with nostalgia pangs going to sit down with their kids to take in some fatalities?

See, Mortal Kombat is really a child’s franchise about Asian wizards with Hanzo swords…

Why does Hollywood feel the need to familify every generic action hero in every generic action movie? 

Why not just make the guy a burn-out loser who gets redemption for his own sake instead of trying to make him some sad-sack fangoo who’s let his daughter down his whole life and this is the one chance to redeem himself in the end…

Heck you, Hollywood!

I mean, look at the success Marvel has had with the anti-hero Wolverine… oh…

LOGAN - First 10 Minutes From The Movie (2017) - YouTube


OK, so that’s just something they have to go to get chicks to watch.

But, what is with the completely tone-deaf and generic dialogue?

This is much, much worse than the daughter angle. After a slightly decent opening scene set in ancient Japan, all of the dialogue sounds like a first draft written by the actor from Life Goes On

And no, I’m not talking about Chad Lowe.

Seriously, folks, they are inserting lines from the video game into the movie in such an on-the-nose fashion that it broke immersion for me each time. 

Example: Kano does a fatality move on a villain and turns to the camera and goes “Kano wins.” Hollywood nerd bros, is this really necessary for you to do that?

Why? Do you think that somehow those nostalgia dads are going to get a little extra release of dopamine because of Things I Remember?

What we talk about when we talk about Nostalgia Dads

I really doubt it. I think it’s just lazy and dumb.

Instead of being so obvious with the lines from the game why not apply them to a different situation? For example, have Kano use the catchphrase when he gets his superpower.

Or if you really want to subvert expectations, maybe have him grunt “Kano wins” after he blows a load in Sonja Blade. Don’t tell me you’ve never imagined that before.

It’s no surprise that Kano takes the A-Train

But I forgot… this is a family movie. Maybe that explains the next part…

How about the flat characters portrayed by lifeless actors?

Aside from some over-the-tard scenery chewing by the guy playing Kano, the entire cast seems like they were mainlining uncut Natalie Portman in their trailers.

I’m assuming the terrible actors are a function of who they could realistically cast with such a shit script, but that’s really the point to this entire rant. 

See if you can follow me here:

  1. The plug-and-pay audience of fanbabies, zoomers and Gen-X gamers are going to watch this movie regardless of the quality of the writing.
  2. The movie costs $55 million to make.

OK, so why not just hire a real screenwriter to punch up the script a little?

Why not give Aaron Sorkin or Kevin Williamson (WTF is he up to?) a million bucks to do a re-write. Or Tarantino. Anyone!

This guy’s not doing anything!

Predator's Hawkins is Getting His Own Figure | Dead Entertainment

Such a Waste of Potential

Mortal Kombat is almost all upside: it’s got cool-looking characters, it’s got rich lore that goes back two decades, it’s got superpowers that are tailor-made for visual effects. 

All it needed was for someone to take it as seriously as The Smartest Man Alive took a bunch of comic book characters in very flamboyant costumes.

Give it some verve, some omph, make it shove a little, give enough gravitas so normal adults who watch this movie out of sheer boredom can actually be entertained or at least distracted for 90 minutes.

Let us get through a damn movie, Hollywood!

And that’s the real problem.

Hollywood Doesn’t Give a Heck

They have absolutely zero respect for the average moviegoer and instead are catering to an audience duopoly of fanbaby slobs and woke Twitter mobs.

And since either will accept any product that plays to their particular peccadilloes, Hollywood doesn’t have to appeal to normal people anymore. 

They see you, especially now, as a trapped rat. Or rather a trapped mouse, fat, happy and bored out of your mind in Mousetown, willing to accept anything.

Well, we all know what went down in Mousetown, don’t we, boyos?